Mrs. Nice Guy Has Been Nice A Little Too Much

8 Feb

This post can go in so many ways, and I’m not quite sure where to begin.

I’ve been told in the past that I give in too easily to people and I’m “too nice.” Oft, that I trust people far easily. Perhaps people mistake my kindness and bubbly personality for weakness. Whatever it is it has gotten me in sticky situations and leaves me dangling with where I question people, their motives.

Currently, I do feel like my trust with some people is being questioned and honestly it upsets me. When I feel I cannot trust someone, it builds walls up for me and makes me not want to be so nice to those people you thought you could trust. Trust is an important thing to have in a person. It’s like safety. If you don’t feel safe somewhere, then common sense is you do not go where you feel unsafe. Right?

Often times when people do things or say things that make us feel uncomfortable it’s difficult to deal with when you have shown support to that person. So to turn against you, I use that term vaguely, is why people like myself do not open up to people and why when you see me with a straight face on it isn’t because I’m sad it’s because I have walls bigger than the Great Wall of China around me because of people like I described to thank for it.

And it doesn’t get better. Apparently the more toxic people as such described continue to enter my life day by day when I take steps at detoxifying them and the other things from my life.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole cutting everyone out of my life, friends included, starting with a brand new life ever worked for anyone. I don’t know if its ever been doable for anyone but what else are my options really?

Change is inevitable. Something’s gotta give.

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Let There Be..Babies?

31 Jan

There are times more often than others when I think baby fever strikes you and then there are times when you actually think about it and are like, “A baby is a person. A real responsibility.” That’s when I remember that baby talk isn’t a topic to ever be taken lightly.

I happen to love children. I think a big part of it is because half of the time I feel like a big kid myself. Then the other half of the time I realize, no, I’m an adult so I guess I’d better be responsible. So sleeping and playing with my toys (iPhone) kind of puts me eye to eye with the younger generation. I feel them. I know their life. I mean, I was a kid once too.

But really, I want children. It’s never been a doubt in my mind. BUT. It was just a matter of when would I have them. Would I be ready when I was 30? Sooner than that? Maybe not even until even after I hit 30 would I feel…ready. Since I can’t just say okay let’s get pregnant and then BAM! comes baby, being in a same-sex relationship doesn’t quite work that way. This is something you plan for. Like a wedding. Like your marriage. Like a long vacation. Except this is a huge investment not to discredit a wedding or a marriage that it isn’t an investment. But I think you’ll know what I mean. So timing is everything. Or so I always thought.

I have always been the type who thought you had to do everything in chronological order – graduate from college, get a job, meet someone great, marriage and THEN kids. I guess you can say that was how I always traditionally grew up thinking life had to be. But guess what? My life hasn’t been traditional in any which way. I was raised by a single mom. I DID graduate from college and had some good job opportunities thus far. I haven’t had too many great relationships – but they say you have to get through some rough relationships before you can get to the gold.

And now? I am pursuing graduate school, have met the woman I know I am going to marry one day and that I will have a family with. But I think this is just the beginning of my life for me.

There is always more to a story. My partner is ten and a half years older than I am. Our relationship is blossoming, growing and we are watering it everyday with love. But we have often talked about when we would have kids. She is ready – as any woman her age would be and I just have always felt – “Am I ready to be a Mom now? I’m only 26.” There are more things than just age – but when it comes to this topic it is a big factor. We don’t ever feel that our age is a major difference in our relationship – she’s as equal to me as I am to her in terms of our life experiences and how we see each other.

I have gone through so many thoughts and ping-ponged back and forth plenty. I challenge myself to think as she is and as I have said to her – I want her to experience motherhood just as much as I do. I also believe that I have struggled with my fears of plunging forward because of the lack of my relationship with my Father, and the circumstances I was in and feeling stagnant in my career.

Over the last few weeks, I have been thinking more about opening up my mind to it and have had more and more thoughts of beginning a family sooner than later. A lot of it has to do with me pursuing my education and career, the support I have gotten from family, friends, and Lindsey. I want to be able to give that back to her tenfold as we turn to that next chapter of our relationship.

Why I Ever Wanted to Become a Teacher

12 Nov

I’ve been pretty blessed to have some amazing teachers throughout my 17 years of education and even though I was one of those kids who played teacher and loved the smell of chalk on my hands, I didn’t always dream of standing in front of a room of kids every day with the same tool I always dreamt about playing with during my youth.

If I’m being totally honest, I knew I wanted to be a teacher only until I became a freshman in college and I took a course by a English professor. The truth was that I had never realized how much I loved writing until that very moment and until that very class. It was the first time I ever wrote and spoke publicly about being molested as a kid and later as a young teenager. Later that year, it was that class that I had found my writing voice and I owed it to everything I had learned about writing, learning and this teacher – Professor Matthew Burgess.

So what am I doing with a Journalism degree, you ask? I always loved writing, this is something everyone knows about me. And I never saw myself as a reporter, yet, I saw myself as a lover of all genres of writing – journalism included. I thought getting a degree in English was too safe – and for someone like myself. I wasn’t sure that that was who I was supposed to be, just yet. I learned so much more about writing, styles, form and I have such an appreciation that why wouldn’t I ever want to be teacher? Well, that’s just it. Since that freshman year of college – I always knew that teaching creative writing was something I wanted to do. My positive experiences played such a significant part in the role I’m pursuing today and how I even got to where I am now.

Today – I’m spending my nights and  parts of my days thinking about my interview for the New York City Teaching Fellows program that’s coming up in a few days. After I get through this amazing fete, I will keep trodding on to pursue graduate programs in teaching English education until I get into one program because I know that one program will be the right fit for me. I can feel it in my bones!!

Adulthood..Check.

19 Oct

As it just so happens over the last couple of days as I’ve been cleaning out and trying to get together a few systems to keep my life organized from my inbox with loads of junkmail to my shoes and wardbrode and other miscelleanous projects underway, I have come back to my blog. Something I’ve long neglected for a while. When I looked at one of the pages here, 30 Before 30, I realized that some of the things on the list didn’t quite ring true to me anymore. They didn’t feel like something BIG to me, but rather something in the future I perhaps saw myself getting into the craft or hobby of. I made an update or two and realized one major thing on the list had been accomplished.

10. Move out of Mom’s + get my first place.

Technically speaking, I didn’t get my own place. But I’ve moved in with my girlfriend Lindsey and it has been a really positive and great experience. No doubt I have had a bunch of nerves about making the leap, but I am certain that I’ve made a good and right step towards something I have wanted and known I’ve needed for my own sake of being an adult for a long time.

The decision didn’t come abruptly. I’ve known for a few years now that I’ve been ready to make the move out of the nest that my Mom has so neatly provided for and abundtly cozzied me up to. But it wasn’t enough to keep me living with my parent forever. I’ve been in long relationships before also where the topic has been broached about “making the move,” or “when we’re ready.” But I think my former partners knew more than I did that our relationships just never reached that point. I knew it, too, and I was never comfortable enough to make such a big move like that. Sometimes taking those kinds of risks isn’t worth it if you don’t feel 100% invested in someone.

But now –

One month in and Lindsey and I have been more than adjusting. I mean, I had a few sleepless nights over the summer when I realized I was spending 90% of my time day in and day out at her place. There was an awkward point when I couldn’t separate myself from guest to roommate when I was timid, afraid almost to clean up around the place only because I knew I didn’t live there – yet. I was finding myself almost crossing odd boundaries – like I was breaching unspoken territories if I touched things that I didn’t know about. I mean, I was spending alot of time with her but we still were in this transitional period of getting to know one another. To Lindsey’s dismay, she always answered my frustrations with a, “You practically live here already.”

I was in between a rock and a hard place at one point – finding the right time when to tell my Mom I was making this big move. When I finally told Lindsey, “Babe, I think I’m going to tell my Mom I’m ready to move and start in September,” she jumped right on board and with a blink of an eye was right behind the wheel of that U-haul truck climbing stairs, carrying my tons of books, my clothes. And it all just fell right into place just like that.

So as I cross this off of my list – I can’t wait to see what others I accomplish. Because this was a BIG one. =)

Why I Chose Therapy

4 Aug

It’s been a little under a year since I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist and this is probably the first actual time I’ve ever dedicated an entire blog post or anything of the kind to telling the world about it. Yes, I have a therapist. And she is amazing.

Though I don’t go off telling the world my business nor do I see the need to tell people what goes on in my sessions day in and day out, I sought a professional therapist for one reason and not because of the daunting reason most people associate them with. My sole purpose for seeking a therapist was to discover the oddities about myself and the relationships I have with the people in my life, however close or not they may be to me. However cheesy it may sound, I sought out a therapist because I felt I needed guidance in my journeys through life and I couldn’t have been more wrong about going with my gut about it.

Since seeing a therapist, I’ve been so profoundly aware of the person I am, more sure and secure in the person I am and am able to visually make more sense of life lessons when I’m talking about things in an open dialogue with someone who has no judgements, no opinions and no reflections about who I am as a person. Normally, when I’m talking about anything that’s going on in my life with a family member or best friend or partner they will always have an opinion wether positive or negative. It’s hard for anyone to not put their own feelings aside and just listen without reflecting on themselves or me for that matter. I’ve noticed that this is hard for just about anyone. So I opted to seek a professional to talk with who has absolutely no reservations and just listens and helps me in sustaining life-long decisions that I might not have made with other peoples’ help or just on my own.

Hence why my therapist has been such a HUGE benefit to me and the bounds and leaps I have made in a ton of my personal successes and growths in my life in the last year or so. G* (her name is not being used for my own privacy, thank you!) has been one of the biggest inspiring people in my life and as I imagine her reading this now as I write this, I picture what she is thinking of from the very first day I walked into her for a consultation. I was vulnerable, scared and full of emotions all bottled up and not knowing where to display them or put them. She has guided me in ways I probably always knew how, but never knew the methods in which to use despite being so aware of my emotions and who I was. Now, almost a year later, I am still learning but I have grown so much with her guidance and reverence. I could not have done some of the things on my my own that I am doing  without the successes of going to therapy sessions.

It sounds crazy, but sometimes I  look forward to sessions with G* when I haven’t spoken to my best friends, because I feel like she is that kind of support system that I needed in my life when I was looking for it, when I needed it most to get through some rough things personally going on in my life. I’m not sure how much stigma still sits behind therapy, though I know I was a bit apprehensive about going for a while as much as I know I needed and wanted to. And even though I have been going for a while, I still like to think that G* found me. I stumbled upon her name on a psychotherapist’s website in a search engine and found her personal website and fell in love with all of the quotes she used and her methods of practice. It was everything I was hoping to accomplish in my own journey. I like to think our paths were meant to cross and I’m always greatful for having chosen therapy.

If I Weren’t Who I Am Today..

20 Jul

I often talk about my love of interior designing and if I liked to move every year, which I don’t only because it’s costly and it’s hell of a lot of work, the one thing I absolutely love to do besides my passion of writing is decorating and designing things on a DIY-budget.

Often times you can catch me following bloggers and looking up DIY-things and restoring old furniture and looking up furniture on my favorite website, Etsy.com. I love alot of the designers on Etsy so much so that the designers and sellers have added me to their circles lately. Talk about love of designing.

If I had it my way, I would be paid as an interior designer/decorator as I get my inspiration from all sources and outlets. I’m actually dying to go to these flea markets in Brooklyn where a few people have told me they have some really great vintage inspired furniture and antique pieces that will knock your socks off. It’s every designers’ dream.

Designing a space for me, is something I always see as another way of expressing my identity. Wether it’s through paint on the walls, picture frames, drapery, or throw pillows. It’s a statement you’re trying to make and you try to make it as close to your own identity as possible or something that replicates how you see yourself. So as I think about the next space or chances I will have at designing a space, I usually pull out pieces of a magazine or write down things that inspire me, jot down ideas I get from time to time and keep them together – however they may change sporadically.

If anyone has any good designing tips, suggestions or references.. please leave comments! Always suggested and helpful!

Fresh In Love.

18 Jul

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but behold.. I’M BACK! And, but of course.. In love. =D

To no surprise I have had some things going on in my life, but nothing I can’t handle that I haven’t before. It’s funny how the saying, “When one door closes, another one opens.” I didn’t really start to see the meaning of the saying until I met my girlfriend, Lindsey, a few months ago. I know I don’t like talking about my personal life or even my love life at that on my blogs, but everyone around me notices when I’m happy and they pick up on my happiness and genuinely are excited for me and this new woman in my life.

It’s funny when I tell people how I met Lindsey, but actually it’s probably the best story. I joined Match.com. I know, I know. I had joined other dating sites before in the past, but this one you had to pay for so I thought this would filter some legit women and not crazy women (no offensive to past lovers, here). I had met two women from Match.com before Lindsey and let’s just say they were too extreme for my liking. I knew that I wasn’t a “match.”

After our first date, I knew that there was something about Lindsey that I wanted more of. She was everything I had never had and everything I wanted in a woman. She is intelligent, thought-provoking, caring. I can go on. We gravitated towards each other instantly and the rest has been history.

What I found in Lindsey is more than just a “girlfriend.” I found a life-partner. I confide in her in a lot of things and she shows me new things every day and teaches me more about myself and what I’m capable of than I thought I would be learning on my own.

Before we met, I always thought about the things I wanted in a relationship and things I didn’t want in a relationship. But when we met it seemed like we just gelled and to be able to have common goals and morals with a partner is so important and something we both value. For the both of us, it’s a big thing. I think that’s one of the reasons why we felt the way we did when we first met.

As much as I won’t make this sound like a page ripped out of a fairytale book, it’s our little piece of our fairytale however our path will turn I’m sure it will be an exciting one and never a dull one. Here’s to us, babycakes. 😉

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