And Maybe This Is All I Can Offer..

31 Jan

Prepare yourself for what just might be the longest post I’ve ever written here.

I’m reading a book (when aren’t I?) called “The Reliable Wife” and it’s set in the early 1900’s about a lonely older man who places an ad in a newspaper and calls for a woman, but doesn’t write that he wants her to be his wife. So, the woman answers “I am a simple, honest woman.” So he calls for her despite having gotten hundreds of other replies. I won’t share the rest of the book because it doesn’t have any more meaning to my post – but the book is INSANE! It’s got twists and turns in every page! It’s a great read. =)

I’d like to think I’m a simple, honest woman myself.. with some extra qualities, but nonetheless I carry flaws. The woman in the book, however sent a picture of “herself” to the man who, in fact, wasn’t herself, but a picture of her much more attractive cousin. So when he sent a train ticket for her to come to him he was upset, furious, angry that she began the relationship in a lie. 

So it got me thinking – why does anyone ever lie, anyway? Because they’re afraid of admitting the truth. Maybe it’s because they’re scared. It’s wrong, but people do it every day. I can easily say I’ve lied to people I’ve cared about because I was scared they would hate me or be upset with me, but it’s not something I would think of flaunting or going around town saying “Hey, my name is Margarita and I’m a liar. Nice to meet you.” Sometimes honesty ISN’T the best policy. Even though lying isn’t good and I try not to lie even when it’s through the skin of my teeth, though I have because I thought it would be protecting something or holding something from someone that might cause pain or anger. I know, I know..none of that is right. I get it. But I’m human. These are things I’ve grown to realize aren’t okay and should be avoided at all costs. There are just some things you keep from people to avoid the chaos that it turns into afterwards. However that sounds, let it be.

So I’ve lied in my past and to some extent there may be things I may take to the grave. There may not be. Though I’d like to leave this Earth with a clean conscience, it’s not always the case we get the chance. I have many flaws, but those flaws aren’t what ONLY make me nor do they make me this horrible creature I sometimes believe myself to be.

In the movie ‘Pretty Woman’, when Julia Roberts and Richard Gere were in the bed talking, he was telling Julia’s character that she could be so much more. She replied to him, “It’s better to believe all the bad stuff about you.”

I can relate completely with the line. I don’t mean to sound condescending, but I get compliments and nice things said to me. But it’s the not so great things that come from people you kind of throw your heart to that mean the most.

I may still live at home with Mom and I may have a crazy obsessed relationship with her, but she’s MY BEST FRIEND. I may not be established in my career until I’m 40, but I’m striving every day towards it. I may struggle with trust issues, but I try to get past that – honestly sometimes I wish I didn’t date for that particular reason. I may be too honest, more than some can handle, but that’s just the Capricorn in me – or maybe it’s the Puerto-Irish in me. I may be affectionate and loving and sweet as ever one week and rambunctious the next. I might be all of these things, but this is what makes me…ME. I know I have a lot to offer, but sometimes I feel shot down as if this is ALL I can offer. There is SO much more to me than what anyone on the exterior sees.

I’m sorry I’m not perfect, but I WILL NEVER be.

PS, Yes I’m a Taylor Swift fan. So suck it! =P

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