Missing A Past Life

15 Apr

There are times in my life when things don’t exactly go as planned, yet I look forward. Sometimes I get knocked down and knocked down further. But I still try to remain optimistic. Rather than think ahead and prolong my future, I sink into this dark dungeon and separate myself from anything and everyone. It’s a sick cycle and I know it’s a hard one to break. Even more so, I’m often finding myself thinking about past instances where I might have done things differently and/or reacted to things a little better. Either way, I can’t change anything. I can only live in the moment. I’m getting into Yoga again and as much as I’m completely trying to focus on myself, it’s as if a million and one things are dragging me down and tearing me from one end to another. I try to focus my time and energy on myself to only get ripped apart or ridiculed. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one on my team. A few years ago, there was a time when I was alone and felt like I was on a path somewhere and really felt it in my bones. Now, I don’t feel that. I feel empty and uninspired, but I really can’t blame anyone but myself. I get off track and that’s okay, but I have to be okay with it. I can’t say that I always do my best because there are times when I don’t feel the inspiration to drive forward. I have my days when I just feel like, “what’s the point?” and other days when lifting a pen doesn’t feel like it’s paying off or the other days when trooping into the Bronx with a blank stare on my face isn’t really making me happy. I do it for the moment. I do it because. I don’t do it anymore because it’s making me happy. I’ve lost alot of feeling lately and it’s sucking royally. I’m not sure where my drive is.

I’ve lost it.

I feel like I’ve lost alot and I feel like I’m losing more every day.


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