And Then You Let It Go

16 Apr

I must say that this weekend is awfully random. I’m not one to say I usually have random weekends, but this is one I hadn’t planned for. My mind is EVERYWHERE, and though I would love to go out for some drinks with friends, I’m kind of preoccupied with other volunteer work for the night. And conjuring up some writing work and a bunch of other miscellaneous things, too.

Lately, I’ve been so consumed with trying to find a vacation and pre-planning my 25th birthday – yes 9 months in advance. I’m trying to do a getaway birthday – somewhere exotic and tropical and NOT the bahamas, PR or DR. I’m thinking a little more out of the box for this one. I think I REALLY, TRULY need one. It’s engrained in my mind that I will find something and soon.

There’s been so much in my life that I’ve been so pressured about and lately I really feel uninspired (I feel like I’ve said this already..probably because I have) to do much of anything. It’s probably effecting my relationships with people in my life and I probably can’t see that, but honestly…I come first and foremost. I haven’t been selfish in a VERY long time. It’s a force of habit and I normally have this tendency to take care of others and their needs before my own. In the midst of it, my own feelings go unresolved, untouched and completely unlooked at. It’s kind of like I don’t exist. I can’t put all of my energy into something without having it put energy back into me. In other words…it just makes me almost want to check out. I’ve never been one to check out, back out of anything. Fall, yes. Back up or away.. definitely. But never check out and take the quickest exit.

A very strong woman, a mentor in High School who I turned to at a turning point in my life for advice always told me in her own words to never think twice about my self worth, aim high in everything and everyone that surrounds me. If the energy that is around me is supposed to be a reflection of me at this moment.. then I’m clearly not where I need to be and I think it’s time to reevaluate alot of things. The same woman would tell me that only you know when it’s time to let go from things in life and trail on from it. The hurt might be temporary, but the result will always be greater.


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