Cry Baby

27 Sep

Today was the first day in a VERY long time time that I’ve cried. I was sitting on the train, listening to my iPod when the tears just started rolling. My eyes were closed and something sort of just came over me & the tears kept coming. I tried not to look like a fool on the train, and I didn’t cry much. It was hard not to, knowing what was going through my mind and the thoughts that were crossing them at that moment.

Back in the day – I say it like I’m ancient – I used to cry about everything. I used to be sensitive about anything and everything. When I got into an argument with someone I cared about – I cried. When I wasn’t doing well in school or felt overwhelmed – I cried. Even when things were going awesome – I cried. I was so sensitive and everything made me emotional. I was always questioning things all the time and getting crazy about it. Hence the need to always cry. I was downright a crybaby.

But now…

Crying is so hard for me. Not because I choose not to, but because I’ve built up these guards and walls and I guess because over the years I’ve done so much damn crying that I was sort of done with the crying. My outlook on the whole idea was pointless. Why cry when you can spend your time laughing? But I know this isn’t any way to think. Crying for anyone is healthy and when done in moderation can be uplifting and ease alot of hurt. I’m not one to sit and sulk about things, but I have a great way of hiding things that are bothering me. Then of course, they creep up on you some time later.

When I got into work today, I was by myself for a while and after a little while, I just sort of let it out. I didn’t have a really good cry – but it helped. A ton of things have been swimming around my head for the past few weeks and while I feel like I have too much time on my hands to think about these things, I just let the tears flow. Thinking about it as I type this makes me want to have another cry now. I don’t like to cry much, not because I think it’s a sign of weakness, but because I think I look hella ugly when I do. Moreover, it brings me back to tons of places I’d rather not be emotionally and reminds me that I’m still sort of “healing” and going through stuff emotionally that I didn’t quite expect to be going through.

I have to make mental notes to myself to have more of these crying sessions to keep my sanity. Let’s punch in another crying session just because for sometime next week and see how that goes. Hopefully my emotions will be leveled in another way that they weren’t today.

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