When It Gets Too Dark In The Tunnel.. Turn On The Light

17 Nov

As many of you know, I don’t take to my blogs to dish out things that are going on in my life that are personal or that are kind of made to be kept away from people who might want to know my every last move, but I promise you – as vague as this and as every post might be, I will never be specific about dishing details about my personal life nor will I reveal everything about what it is that I ever go through.

Being a single woman has been leaving me kind of stressed out! I can’t lie about it.

I’m not used to being single, going about life as I please, not giving a damn about this person or that person. I think my problem is that I might care a little bit too much for my own good and I think I always kind of have.

Usually, when I’m dating someone – I kind of get “love-fucked” if you will. Pardon me for my French. I get all foggy in the head, forget some of my goals, get sidetracked and sometimes become uninspired. Usually if it gets worse and the relationship brings out the bad in me – I get really uninspired. I go into a BAD funk and kind of have trouble getting out of it.

As my friend kindly put it to me, “If you haven’t done it by now [accomplished a particular goal], do you think being with Person B will set you back? You can’t blame every person you’re with for setting you back.”

It’s true. I haven’t. Ever. I do it to myself. I know it sounds like I’m beating myself up and I’m being super hard on myself and I take relationships to the heart, but I kind of do. I kind of always have been that way because I always want the best for myself. But I guess I just need to be a little more accepting of myself that it’s okay to mess up and it’s okay to fall sometimes, just as long as you get back up from it.

To tell you the HONEST TO God’s truth – being in a relationship one right after the other has caused me nothing but trouble for the last three years of my life and I know I am not ready for another one. Though I love love and I am a crazy lover of romance and everything that surrounds it, I can’t committ to someone right now as much as I would love to. Don’t get me wrong, I am a faithful person. I’m not a believer of infidelity, nor have I ever been unfaithful. My problem is that I haven’t taken the time to committ to myself and only to myself to work on my goals, investments and building on my career.

It’s kind of funny, but sometimes you have to think about ME, MYSELF & I before you can focus on a WE & US. I haven’t completely done that. Perhaps that’s why I’m at the stage in my life where I’m at – and that’s okay and I’m perfectly fine with that. It gives me motive to work on my morals and my life and keep pedaling on.

All I’m saying is that I’m putting my life into a new perspective and I think I’m going to be seriously reevaluating things and people a little closer than I originally thought. It’s time I start paying closer attention to the real things that matter to me and not the silly things that aren’t benefitting me or my future. Usually at this point, this is when my Xena the Warrior Princess iron gear goes on. Weapons Up! Right about now I’ve got the “Take No Prisoners” attitude & it’s full speed ahead.

There are things that I’ve put on the back burner and I feel like it’s been no one’s fault but my own. I can’t keep beating myself up for it anymore, though. I can’t keep meeting people who will continue to allow it, either. Negative energy? Out the window! Toxic people & conversations – GONE. I’ve learned from positive people and things in my life that in order to allow the good things and people to enter your life, you just need to get rid of the bad. Now that I’ve done that and am continuously keeping that motto in my head – there’s only one direction & that’s UP.


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