The Same Old Tune

30 Dec

So this might sound a little redundant, but oh well. I’ve probably said this a thousand and one times and my best friend will be the first one to vouch for it, too. But I don’t think I’m cut out for this dating thing. As I’m “kind of sort of” trying it out – to be quite frank it’s not what I exactly need to be doing right now so early on getting back into the swing of things after just having getting out of a relationship a few months ago.

After talking about my current situation with my best friend I knew exactly what I was getting into. I was talking about the same old tune I had before. “If I’m going to be involved with someone I should be involved with someone who’s as involved and interested in me as I am with them and shows it.”

But who am I kidding though? If the person I’m “seeing” clearly is giving me tell-tale signs without being honest and upfront and beating around the bush about being involved with me then it’s not just a sign to me that they are not at all looking for anything that involves some kind of a relationship, but it’s a message to me that I shouldn’t be looking for it either. I’m not in ANY kind of predicament to be putting myself into those situations right now. There are far better things I need to be preoccupied with.

It’s kind of crazy, but when I was a teenager and all of my friends had boyfriends and girlfriends – I was the prude. I was a total nerd and focused on school and after school activities. Sure, I had crushes and a great group of friends. Sure, I kissed. But I was never ever looking to be in love or looking to play house with anyone. It was never on my mind like that. I had one or two boyfriends, but that was just to pass time. But once I hit 18/19 and I got into my first long relationship, it completely changed everything about how I felt about relationships. I think I turned into this “romance & love conquers all fanatic” and here I am hitting my mid 20s finding it hard to shake some of those feelings from my past.

When it comes to the hard parts of breaking up and the bouncing back after it all, it’s all a matter of finding another layer of yourself you never saw before I think. I think I learn alot about myself when I’m in relationships, yes, but I learn so much more about my character and what I’m actually capable of doing when I’m by myself and single. When I’m able to think just about myself and not have to worry about someone else – it’s so refreshing and I’m actually having trouble adapting to that all over again. Imagine, having trouble to just think about YOURSELF again!

To be brutally honest – dating for me should really be out of the question right now. I’ve said it to just about everyone I know. In every aspect, dating is almost committing social suicide to someone like myself who is so adept to growing emotions for someone I care about and am physically and emotionally attracted to. Sure, for guys it’s super easy but for women it isn’t. They say it’s because women have this natural caregiver mentality. I just think women are more emotional. Whatever it is, I know it’s way harder for me to give in to my emotions if I’m just not dating or seeing anyone period.

My friends will tell you all the terrible things I do, like I never give myself enough time to be alone or I don’t let things just see themselves out naturally or I keep myself locked up inside and don’t go out to enjoy life sometimes. But this time I’m not going to keep repeating the same routine after each stale relationship. As I said it last night, I’m tired of the same old tune. Cue violin music.

I remember back in High School when love didn’t matter to me and I didn’t worry so much about those things. What the hell am I thinking now and why can’t I think that way still? Well it looks like things are about to change and some old habits are about to make a comeback.


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