Why The End & Beginning Always Suck

10 Jan

For the past few years, the end of the year going into New Year’s Eve has sucked royally for me and only for a few reasons. Either I’ve been single or recently single and trying to figure out how I’m going to ring in the new year reconstructing my thoughts has been a mission almost impossible every time. Or I’ve been in a relationship and have actually NOT been with my significant other to ring in the new year due to fighting. And though I didn’t ring in the new year this year alone, I feel more alone than I ever have in my life for a vast number of reasons.

Okay, I admit it. I’ve been OVERLY emotional lately and I’m working through those emotions. Alot of them don’t actually pertain to relationship issues this time around so much. They actually deal with other things that are going on in my life that have my emotions flying all over town. Right now I can’t seem to get the picture when I know it’s staring at me dead in the face and I know what needs to be done.

I recently read this article in a magazine I subscribe to, Poets & Writers about a writer who talked about why it was important to her that she writes. She talked about her inclination to write every day. It was her ritual. Her oxygen. Without it she was nothing. But when her daughter grew ill, something just evaporated in her and she lost all her desire to write. It just didn’t become important to her anymore. She felt like everything in her life took precedence and her writing took a back seat. In a sense, that’s how I feel. Every stress and frustration that I have going on in my life, though I can’t say I am faced with the same as this writer was faced with – I feel like I’m in the outfield waiting to catch something. And I’m still waiting. I just feel like I’ve been stuck and lost the desire to do the things that I’ve always been driven to do – and that’s not like me at all to say that. Which is why I’m saying I need a break from everything I know to get my mind where it needs to be.

It seems like the moment I think I learn a thing or two about myself, I realize I haven’t learned anything at all.

As sad as I’m about to admit this, I am a bit of a reality tv junkie and for the fans who watch the show “Love and Hip-Hop” and know the woman and former rapper, now-turned-singer Olivia is struggling with bringing her music career back – I can grapple with her the most. She knows what she needs to do but she just won’t take that leap of faith. I hate that I’m using a celeb-reality star to compare myself to, but there was something that was said when a producer was critiquing her. He said when he asked her where she is mentally her response was, “I’m usually happy. I’m dating. Etc.” But when she went into detail about how she came from not so happy times to get to the happiness she didn’t seem too happy, still. He didn’t buy it and neither did I. She won’t sell records that way and I won’t be able to write about the things I know I need to write about in order to get me where I need to be if I’m lying to myself and everyone around me.

In the end, that writer who wrote about her purpose for writing found inspiration in her sickly daughter ironically enough and began writing again. Her daughter turned to her and looked at her one day when they were in the hospital and she had been busy with her arts and crafts. She asked her mother, “Don’t you have something to write?” I think the woman looked over the question until her daughter told her she should never stop writing no matter what happens. I think her epiphany of all epiphanies was seeing how normal her sickly daughter’s every day was despite living in a hospital – she was doing arts and crafts and socializing with other kids. She just kept on going with her life. She thought, ‘What am I doing?’ or I guess it was more of a ‘What am I not doing?’

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