When I Throw My Face On..

30 Jan

Every morning, like clockwork I will get up and make my bed and do a few stretches just so I’m not walking around feeling like an old lady all day and because though I’m 25 I actually have backaches like you wouldn’t believe and I can’t blame it on my amazing new bed either.

As I’m getting ready whenever someone might come in or if someone is waiting on me if I’m going somewhere with someone I’ll usually say something like, “Okay let me just put on my face.” Usually that’s referring to a little bit of make-up. But really, it means that I’m putting on my daily face and preparing for the day that’s to come whatever that’s been given to me even if I do get a little dirty.

I’m usually hard on myself for a reason and not because I’ve had too many people be hard on me my whole life except my mother. My mother has been in my ear and my head all of my life and was and still is my biggest support system. She’s been both mother and father to me, though this story I’ve told more than once and in many different ways. I have always set high standards and expectations for myself, but I’ve always been distracted by people and relationships and just never been able to put myself first and foremost. Granted that’s no excuse, but it’s been a huge transition of emotions and growing into this adult life. When they tell you growing up, “Enjoy being a kid,” I seriously had no idea what that meant until now.

I’m learning so much now because I’ve been taking the time to talk about things I never talked about before and I’m able to really dissect things about my past issues and relationships that make so much sense to me now that I don’t know how I never could’ve seen it back then. But it’s a growing process. You learn as you grow and I couldn’t be more susceptible to my mixed emotions than I am now when I’m finally figuring out who I am and where I am in my own skin. I’m finally taking the time to spend on myself and not to “work on a relationship” or “fix problems.” I think once I realized just how far I’ve come and how much further I have yet to go, I know that this isn’t the end of it for me and that this isn’t going to be all I have to offer to myself or to anyone when and if the time comes which isn’t anywhere in site on my radar right now.

The only committment I’m making is to myself and it’s to be fair to myself and to what I deserve which is happiness. I don’t deserve anything less than what I shell out and I know that in order to get where I want to go in life the only person that can take me there is myself. So every day I just have to continue to put my face on and know that the Man Upstairs has a plan for me and that plan is a great one! I always leave it in faith and prayer that he will get me where I need to be and that right now I am where I need to be.

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