Emotionally Unavailable to the Available

31 Jan

Have you ever tried being emotionally unavailable to the people who were emotionally available to you? Okay let’s try that again. Have you tried not getting emotionally involved with someone who has said they want to be emotionally involved with you – but it just doesn’t work out for you? Well, welcome to my life. Almost every single relationship I’ve entered in that turned into something long term I treaded on thin ice, trying not to rush into things but as most women will do – we rush into love never giving ourselves enough time to enjoy life or our partners and each other but most of all enjoying our own lives and self worth.

The truth is, I’ve never really been by myself. Since turning 18, I’ve been in three long term relationships, and most of them were not healthy ones. I’ve always wanted to “work things out,” even when I knew there was nothing to work on. But I always fought to find a resolution to the problem, thinking there was one and I could find it. This isn’t healthy, that I know. In my very first relationship when I was just a baby at 18 years old, just three months into the relationship I knew that the relationship was not for me nor the person was the right person for me. But I stayed. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for a little longer than a year. In the end I was always putting myself last and never thinking about what I really wanted and what was best for me. I became emotionally unavailable after a while and not for good reasons. I forgot about my wants and needs and emotions. I wasn’t important anymore.

When you’re in a relationship, usually you don’t see your friends as much because you’re spending more time with your significant other or you’re not partying as much. Maybe you’ll spend a little less attention to your looks or maybe a little more for the first couple of months until that fades out. I can’t say that all of this applies to me, but I know other women out there catch my drift. You lose yourself in the midst and sometimes your distractions become overwhelming to control when relationships seem to take center of your life – especially unhealthy and unhappy ones.

I’m not going to lie and say the people I’ve been in relationships with were horrible and cruel people because they truthfully weren’t. They just weren’t right for me. That’s all. I keep in touch on a ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ basis with past lovers but under no circumstances do I need to see them or be best friends with them. To me, this is a boundary I’ve never nor will I ever cross.

For the past 5 years it seems, I’ve just felt that my rocky relationship history has defined most of my early adult life and this is not what I anticipated. It’s true that when you picture a plan for yourself you picture a plan and you want to stick to it. Though my plan hasn’t changed with my career, I still have faith that it will get to where it will go. But what I’m trying to say is that relationships have become the center of my life for the past few years, but not my entire existence. I’m a hopeless romantic yes, but I haven’t forgotten my own hopes and dreams for myself and where I want to go.

It’s not often it seems that I’m not in a relationship, but it seems that when I am in one – they all seem to take control over my life and I forget what’s really important…ME. Quite frankly, no one person is going to break up with me and say, “Hey baby, I just don’t think this is going to work out. I think you need to take care of yourself and do what you have to do to see your dreams come true.” When do you ever hear anyone saying that? Let’s be real, now.

So finally, the only commitment I’m making is to myself as I’ve said and to my own happiness. If I must be emotionally unavailable for a while, then I must but it’s really a long time coming that I put my best foot forward in putting myself and my needs and wants and every wishes first because there are things I want to see happen and if I want to bring them to fruition, no one other person or relationship will do that for me but myself .

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