PPPPPoker Face

10 Feb

Inevitably so that this post is named after Gaga’s famously named song, “Poker Face,” or maybe it’s named after the long running term people frequently used as an unrevealing expression. Recently, one of my close friends kind of cornered me when we were spending some QT at her place and somehow, I don’t know how the topic turned to me, the relationship I have with my Mother and all other things daunting when talking about them amongst strangers and people I’ve met for the first time. Nothing she was saying was irrelevant or embarrasing or even offending. The one thing she said that struck me was, “You can never tell sometimes what you’re really feeling or when you’re unhappy or when you’re sad. I don’t think you really like to open up about certain things. You keep them hidden.” She couldn’t have been more right.

The truth is, I do grapple with showing my emotions. No matter what I’m going through I’ve always got a smile on my face. I could be a pig’n shit and on my worst day, but no one would know it except for me and maybe one other. I think I inherited my gifted Poker Face from both of my parents – inheritantly from my mother because I could never tell when we were down and out as a family because she would never let me worry and because her solid as a rock Poker Face told me otherwise. It told me that there was absolutely nothing to worry about and that every day was a day to be happy about. My Father, on the other hand, was a much harder person to read. I could never tell when he was going through something or if something bothered him or made him extremely happy. EVER. Simply because he never shared those things with me growing up or even as I got older I kind of struggled with how to show my emotions sometimes.

Today I was struck again when the lobby guy in the building where I work who I talk to from time to time, a nice guy I’ll call ‘B’ for the sake of this post and he asked me how I was. We often have small talk over Vodka, Atreyu (our favorite mutual Rock band) and casual batting of the eye. But that’s besides the point. He asked me how I had been. I’ve been sick all week and he told me I really didn’t look it. Perhaps because I was smiling. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been feeling miserable since I’ve been sick and have been wanting to throw punches since being back at work today, which doesn’t give me ANY reason to smile. But that’s besides the point. However, I smile every single day I wake up to see another day. I’m grateful for so many things it’s hard to even list them. The only response I thought of was “I guess I have a really good Poker Face.”

It’s kind of true. I have a good way of not showing how I really am feeling. I’m wondering if that’s necessarily a blessing in disguise or if that’s not such a fabulous trait to carry. Don’t get me wrong, I do show my emotions with certain people, but I’m just not a showy kind of woman. I’m not this three-legged woman who shows off all of what she’s got at the flea market. Umm. No. That would not be me. I hold off when necessary and when I feel showing my emotions and to the right person is the route I feel like taking. I know that normally keeping your emotions locked inside and not talking to people about them is horrible and that’s not what I’m talking about here. I talk to the people I love all of the time about how I feel and whatever is on my mind all of the time – my circle of friends and family are my biggest support system. There are times, though that before it comes to them I have to keep a Poker Face to get through some hurdles and some emotions and feelings. When I’m strong in my own feelings and put on my Poker Face, I can get through it. Believe me, I always come out winning.

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2 Responses to “PPPPPoker Face”

  1. Claire February 11, 2012 at 2:16 am #

    I read a few of your entries and not that it should matter but I feel that you try too hard to prove you know what you’re talking about when you can simply make more sense if you wrote less. As I was always told its not about the quantity but the quality.

    Just some creative criticism.

    XO.

    • margaritalopez February 11, 2012 at 12:11 pm #

      Point taken. Thank you for the feedback. =D Keep reading!

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