Let There Be..Babies?

31 Jan

There are times more often than others when I think baby fever strikes you and then there are times when you actually think about it and are like, “A baby is a person. A real responsibility.” That’s when I remember that baby talk isn’t a topic to ever be taken lightly.

I happen to love children. I think a big part of it is because half of the time I feel like a big kid myself. Then the other half of the time I realize, no, I’m an adult so I guess I’d better be responsible. So sleeping and playing with my toys (iPhone) kind of puts me eye to eye with the younger generation. I feel them. I know their life. I mean, I was a kid once too.

But really, I want children. It’s never been a doubt in my mind. BUT. It was just a matter of when would I have them. Would I be ready when I was 30? Sooner than that? Maybe not even until even after I hit 30 would I feel…ready. Since I can’t just say okay let’s get pregnant and then BAM! comes baby, being in a same-sex relationship doesn’t quite work that way. This is something you plan for. Like a wedding. Like your marriage. Like a long vacation. Except this is a huge investment not to discredit a wedding or a marriage that it isn’t an investment. But I think you’ll know what I mean. So timing is everything. Or so I always thought.

I have always been the type who thought you had to do everything in chronological order – graduate from college, get a job, meet someone great, marriage and THEN kids. I guess you can say that was how I always traditionally grew up thinking life had to be. But guess what? My life hasn’t been traditional in any which way. I was raised by a single mom. I DID graduate from college and had some good job opportunities thus far. I haven’t had too many great relationships – but they say you have to get through some rough relationships before you can get to the gold.

And now? I am pursuing graduate school, have met the woman I know I am going to marry one day and that I will have a family with. But I think this is just the beginning of my life for me.

There is always more to a story. My partner is ten and a half years older than I am. Our relationship is blossoming, growing and we are watering it everyday with love. But we have often talked about when we would have kids. She is ready – as any woman her age would be and I just have always felt – “Am I ready to be a Mom now? I’m only 26.” There are more things than just age – but when it comes to this topic it is a big factor. We don’t ever feel that our age is a major difference in our relationship – she’s as equal to me as I am to her in terms of our life experiences and how we see each other.

I have gone through so many thoughts and ping-ponged back and forth plenty. I challenge myself to think as she is and as I have said to her – I want her to experience motherhood just as much as I do. I also believe that I have struggled with my fears of plunging forward because of the lack of my relationship with my Father, and the circumstances I was in and feeling stagnant in my career.

Over the last few weeks, I have been thinking more about opening up my mind to it and have had more and more thoughts of beginning a family sooner than later. A lot of it has to do with me pursuing my education and career, the support I have gotten from family, friends, and Lindsey. I want to be able to give that back to her tenfold as we turn to that next chapter of our relationship.

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