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Why I Ever Wanted to Become a Teacher

12 Nov

I’ve been pretty blessed to have some amazing teachers throughout my 17 years of education and even though I was one of those kids who played teacher and loved the smell of chalk on my hands, I didn’t always dream of standing in front of a room of kids every day with the same tool I always dreamt about playing with during my youth.

If I’m being totally honest, I knew I wanted to be a teacher only until I became a freshman in college and I took a course by a English professor. The truth was that I had never realized how much I loved writing until that very moment and until that very class. It was the first time I ever wrote and spoke publicly about being molested as a kid and later as a young teenager. Later that year, it was that class that I had found my writing voice and I owed it to everything I had learned about writing, learning and this teacher – Professor Matthew Burgess.

So what am I doing with a Journalism degree, you ask? I always loved writing, this is something everyone knows about me. And I never saw myself as a reporter, yet, I saw myself as a lover of all genres of writing – journalism included. I thought getting a degree in English was too safe – and for someone like myself. I wasn’t sure that that was who I was supposed to be, just yet. I learned so much more about writing, styles, form and I have such an appreciation that why wouldn’t I ever want to be teacher? Well, that’s just it. Since that freshman year of college – I always knew that teaching creative writing was something I wanted to do. My positive experiences played such a significant part in the role I’m pursuing today and how I even got to where I am now.

Today – I’m spending my nights and  parts of my days thinking about my interview for the New York City Teaching Fellows program that’s coming up in a few days. After I get through this amazing fete, I will keep trodding on to pursue graduate programs in teaching English education until I get into one program because I know that one program will be the right fit for me. I can feel it in my bones!!



19 Oct

As it just so happens over the last couple of days as I’ve been cleaning out and trying to get together a few systems to keep my life organized from my inbox with loads of junkmail to my shoes and wardbrode and other miscelleanous projects underway, I have come back to my blog. Something I’ve long neglected for a while. When I looked at one of the pages here, 30 Before 30, I realized that some of the things on the list didn’t quite ring true to me anymore. They didn’t feel like something BIG to me, but rather something in the future I perhaps saw myself getting into the craft or hobby of. I made an update or two and realized one major thing on the list had been accomplished.

10. Move out of Mom’s + get my first place.

Technically speaking, I didn’t get my own place. But I’ve moved in with my girlfriend Lindsey and it has been a really positive and great experience. No doubt I have had a bunch of nerves about making the leap, but I am certain that I’ve made a good and right step towards something I have wanted and known I’ve needed for my own sake of being an adult for a long time.

The decision didn’t come abruptly. I’ve known for a few years now that I’ve been ready to make the move out of the nest that my Mom has so neatly provided for and abundtly cozzied me up to. But it wasn’t enough to keep me living with my parent forever. I’ve been in long relationships before also where the topic has been broached about “making the move,” or “when we’re ready.” But I think my former partners knew more than I did that our relationships just never reached that point. I knew it, too, and I was never comfortable enough to make such a big move like that. Sometimes taking those kinds of risks isn’t worth it if you don’t feel 100% invested in someone.

But now –

One month in and Lindsey and I have been more than adjusting. I mean, I had a few sleepless nights over the summer when I realized I was spending 90% of my time day in and day out at her place. There was an awkward point when I couldn’t separate myself from guest to roommate when I was timid, afraid almost to clean up around the place only because I knew I didn’t live there – yet. I was finding myself almost crossing odd boundaries – like I was breaching unspoken territories if I touched things that I didn’t know about. I mean, I was spending alot of time with her but we still were in this transitional period of getting to know one another. To Lindsey’s dismay, she always answered my frustrations with a, “You practically live here already.”

I was in between a rock and a hard place at one point – finding the right time when to tell my Mom I was making this big move. When I finally told Lindsey, “Babe, I think I’m going to tell my Mom I’m ready to move and start in September,” she jumped right on board and with a blink of an eye was right behind the wheel of that U-haul truck climbing stairs, carrying my tons of books, my clothes. And it all just fell right into place just like that.

So as I cross this off of my list – I can’t wait to see what others I accomplish. Because this was a BIG one. =)

Why I Chose Therapy

4 Aug

It’s been a little under a year since I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist and this is probably the first actual time I’ve ever dedicated an entire blog post or anything of the kind to telling the world about it. Yes, I have a therapist. And she is amazing.

Though I don’t go off telling the world my business nor do I see the need to tell people what goes on in my sessions day in and day out, I sought a professional therapist for one reason and not because of the daunting reason most people associate them with. My sole purpose for seeking a therapist was to discover the oddities about myself and the relationships I have with the people in my life, however close or not they may be to me. However cheesy it may sound, I sought out a therapist because I felt I needed guidance in my journeys through life and I couldn’t have been more wrong about going with my gut about it.

Since seeing a therapist, I’ve been so profoundly aware of the person I am, more sure and secure in the person I am and am able to visually make more sense of life lessons when I’m talking about things in an open dialogue with someone who has no judgements, no opinions and no reflections about who I am as a person. Normally, when I’m talking about anything that’s going on in my life with a family member or best friend or partner they will always have an opinion wether positive or negative. It’s hard for anyone to not put their own feelings aside and just listen without reflecting on themselves or me for that matter. I’ve noticed that this is hard for just about anyone. So I opted to seek a professional to talk with who has absolutely no reservations and just listens and helps me in sustaining life-long decisions that I might not have made with other peoples’ help or just on my own.

Hence why my therapist has been such a HUGE benefit to me and the bounds and leaps I have made in a ton of my personal successes and growths in my life in the last year or so. G* (her name is not being used for my own privacy, thank you!) has been one of the biggest inspiring people in my life and as I imagine her reading this now as I write this, I picture what she is thinking of from the very first day I walked into her for a consultation. I was vulnerable, scared and full of emotions all bottled up and not knowing where to display them or put them. She has guided me in ways I probably always knew how, but never knew the methods in which to use despite being so aware of my emotions and who I was. Now, almost a year later, I am still learning but I have grown so much with her guidance and reverence. I could not have done some of the things on my my own that I am doing  without the successes of going to therapy sessions.

It sounds crazy, but sometimes I  look forward to sessions with G* when I haven’t spoken to my best friends, because I feel like she is that kind of support system that I needed in my life when I was looking for it, when I needed it most to get through some rough things personally going on in my life. I’m not sure how much stigma still sits behind therapy, though I know I was a bit apprehensive about going for a while as much as I know I needed and wanted to. And even though I have been going for a while, I still like to think that G* found me. I stumbled upon her name on a psychotherapist’s website in a search engine and found her personal website and fell in love with all of the quotes she used and her methods of practice. It was everything I was hoping to accomplish in my own journey. I like to think our paths were meant to cross and I’m always greatful for having chosen therapy.

How I Met My Best Friend..

2 Apr

Though I don’t tell most people this story, it’s actually a pretty funny one and one that me and my best friend laugh about all of the time. Janeris, my best friend of 14 years now actually hated my guts at first. We met in Junior High school and because rumors flew that I had talked about her liking some boy and wanting to “hook up with him,” who actually was my little crush and my two week boyfriend at the time – she hated me for it. We were young, immature and didn’t know anything so she believed the rumors and she approached me in the schoolyard one afternoon about it with her posse from elementary school. I felt cornered. I definitely thought I was a goner. Low and behold the girl who spread the rumor about me and what I had allegedly said about Janeris saying was there the day that Janeris approached me, trying to play both sides.

After it simmered down, for some odd reason Janeris asked me if what was said was really true. Of course it wasn’t and I told her I never had any ill will to say anything about her. I guess she suspected the girl had spread the rumor and she sniffed her out. The girl felt pretty dumb after that.

Janeris and I have been inseparable ever since then. To think that she was my Bully back in Junior High school. I kid with her when I say that, but when I think about it that was probably the only misunderstanding we’ve ever had in all of the years of our friendship. We’ve never lost touch, EVER. She’s been my rock through everything. She’s been the one to carry me through tough times and we’ve shared some amazing memories. No matter where we go in life and where our paths lead us I know that we’ll always have eachother’s back.

When I look at the friendship my Mom and my Godmother have (who are best friends of more than 25 years) I know that it’s the same kind of friendship me and Janeris have. We met the same way – in school and we do the same kind of things together they did. I look at them and I think of the friendship her and I have and it’s the exact same. I admire the friendship they have and the bond they have and I look up to that so much in the friendship I have with my own best friend. It’s what I grasp onto and know that life would never be the same without her.

She just turned 25 this weekend and I know she had an amazing time. It was a night to remember and one that we will be talking about for a long time. Jaji, I love you more than you can possibly imagine. You are one of the strongest women I know and I admire that about you. Because of this, you make me stronger every day and through you I live every day in the moment.

She completes me!

There’s A Reason You Never Go Back..

22 Mar

Call me crazy, but this weather is just the icing on the cake for my uplifting spirits and has been leaving me in such amazing moods. It’s not often that you have 70 degree weather in March living in New York City and really, I’m holding out on bringing out the Spring dresses only because it’s all I wear during the Spring and Summer seasons – for the most part. I’m a HUGE girly girl at times, but I’m pretty aggressive when need be.

It’s funny that I’m even thinking about this, but have you ever logged onto your Facebook and seen a past lover/ex pop up on your newsfeed and sometimes (in your heart of hearts) ever think about the what ifs, maybes and or where your life would’ve gone if things would have taken a different toll had you been in a relationship with that person? I’m not thinking about ANY particular ex of mine as I write this – but this goes for every woman I’ve ever had any type of connection or emotional relationship with. I’ve had some serious and not so serious relationships all of which were learning experiences for me. I don’t take any of them back. For a while when I was a little younger (I say it like I’m so old), there was one or two women I constantly gravitated towards and found myself going back to, looking for a relationship or something more. But it was never the right time. I was getting involved with people from my past all over again – like it was a cycle. And it was a pattern I noticed that was deeply rooted with the relationship I have with my Father. My Father, a man who is in and out of my life irregularly – and I was somehow doing the same with one or two women, but I couldn’t help it. I’m human.

Too many times I would tell myself, “You can never go back to someone you’ve been with in your past.” Just the other day on the radio they were talking about people in relationships and if they would give it a second chance if it didn’t work out the first time. I’ve been there once before, and it didn’t work out for me and the person I was with at the time. In all honesty, I don’t really believe in giving it a second shot. Maybe because I’m not living proof I don’t know. I’ve heard success stories of people who have had the complete opposite – dated once, then separated and got back together a second time and live happily ever after. But I’ll always be a believer in fairy tales and happy endings. That’s something no one can take away from me no matter who comes and who goes from my life.

I’m a firm believer that if it didn’t work out in a relationship.. you have every right in your mind to get up, dust yourself off and move on from that experience. Walk away with everything you have learned about relationships and yourself because there will be another – maybe not right away, but eventually someone will come along and surprise you just as much as you surprise them. As my doctor told me some time ago, “Make someone really show you they want to be with you. Make them do the work to show you that.”

Dear Mom,

20 Mar

I’ve written something similar to this on Father’s Day and though Mother’s Day isn’t for another month and some change.. it’s been quite an interesting fete that I have been experiencing with the woman who has given me birth over the course of the last year. I often blog about the woman and praise her too often. People often know her as my shadow that is always there even when she physically isn’t – it’s a double edged sword I tell you. Though this isn’t supposed to be a mushy post, somehow everytime I write about her this is just where it goes.

Lately and as I get older, I’ve “woken up and smelled the coffee,” if you will for lack of a better cliched term at just how much my Mother really is such a crucial person in my life, but also can sometimes be a burden because of the close relationship we have. I’ve taken some time out and some time away to realize that things take time and take change for not just me, but friends and family including my Mother herself to see me as more than the little Redhead girl with the bright eyes and pale skin and smiling cute face everyone knew me as. To many people in my life say, “I’m still so young.”

I’ve always lived with my Mother and we’ve  to an extent shared a life together (however that sounds, it’s purely platonic). So, in essence my Mother along with everyone in my life can’t see me apart from her because that’s how it has always been. My Mom and me. Her and I. Like two peas in a pod. You know that show, the Gilmore Girls? Yeah, that’s pretty much us. Some people get it and some people don’t. We’re terribly close and I’m eternally grateful for the relationship I have with her, but in another sense – there have been downfalls. Being an only child. Not having a role model for relationships to turn to in my Mother. There are some other personal things I won’t talk about that only I talk about with my Mother and should she read this (which I know she eventually will), she’ll know which ones I’m talking about – that are the battles of what keep any Mother and Daughter from butting heads.

People doubt that I’ve yet to “move out of the nest,” because I’m so close to my Mother and because I’ll never leave home. I’d like to publicly say that’s FALSE. The only thing that ever kept me from moving out was myself – I wasn’t committed enough to finally making that step. I’ve been asked by ex-partners to “move in together,” but it NEVER felt right to me. With either of the persons and the situations. Should I meet someone who I 150% feel completely sure of and right about to move in with and take that step with, then so be it. But that has never happened – yet.

Since my Mom has been doing all sorts of babying me and treating me like a princess, I know that she only does it out of the kindness in her heart and because she spoils me rotten. She always has. She takes care of me and babies me when I don’t even look for it. But that’s what Mothers do. So, in this very short, informal way I want to write a letter to my Mom to tell her just how much those things don’t go unappreciated and accounted for nor will they keep me from moving out and when I’m ready, making that next step.

Dear Mom,

I’m moving out. Just kidding. Well, not really. I’ve been saying that forever and as much as it makes you feel like you’re swallowing rocks, I’m not ever planning on moving out of your life. There are times when I think about how far I’ve gotten and I think about who was there every step of the way, cheering for me, watching me, holding me as I cried and it was always you. You have been the biggest backbone in my life and I always want you to remain as such. We have an amazing relationship that even I can’t find the words to describe them – imagine that!

On a more serious note, I’ve talked about this for a while and though you may think I’m never going to leave your side, I’m not a puppy. I’m simply your daughter and I have to grow up some day. All I ask is that you be there to support me as you’ve done when I take on that next step in my life and that I have you there because I know that I will have so much more to learn as I take those next steps into my adulthood. When the time comes that I do leave the nest as they say, just remember that I may be leaving the nest that you built and that I learned so much from. In turn, I will always have you to call my home.


Love’s Soldier

17 Mar

I’ve blogged quite a bit about my singledom over the past couple of months. I’ve been single for going on eight months now and though it’s been an interesting eight months, I’ve learned so much about myself since I’ve been single than I did while in my last relationship, I kid you not.

I would be remissed to say that the energy I have now is beyond words. I’ve had some in depth conversations about how I love when I’m in love – it’s no secret that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that when I fall in love, I fall in love with every fiber in my body. I’m a huge believer in fairytales and happy endings of all sorts – I believe that if you feel the magic and the connection between someone in a moment’s instant then you just know if that person is right for you.

Being single has led me to really think about what I don’t want in a relationship most of all, but more importantly about the things that I do want in a relationship. Of course, I could only imagine that when I meet someone who I feel that connection with – it will happen naturally as I should let it.

It’s funny, but I know people who after every break up they say they’re going to, “do them.” For some it works and they stay single for a long time. But I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe in love and relationships and perhaps it’s because I have an old soul and I never was interested in partying much. So every time I’m single, I wait for love to take me to the next course – I let it happen the way that it’s supposed to, the way that it wants to happen. I’m always hopeful that it will come and I don’t doubt ever that it still exists. I’m love’s soldier and the only battle you win is the one that two people fight for. 

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