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Why I Ever Wanted to Become a Teacher

12 Nov

I’ve been pretty blessed to have some amazing teachers throughout my 17 years of education and even though I was one of those kids who played teacher and loved the smell of chalk on my hands, I didn’t always dream of standing in front of a room of kids every day with the same tool I always dreamt about playing with during my youth.

If I’m being totally honest, I knew I wanted to be a teacher only until I became a freshman in college and I took a course by a English professor. The truth was that I had never realized how much I loved writing until that very moment and until that very class. It was the first time I ever wrote and spoke publicly about being molested as a kid and later as a young teenager. Later that year, it was that class that I had found my writing voice and I owed it to everything I had learned about writing, learning and this teacher – Professor Matthew Burgess.

So what am I doing with a Journalism degree, you ask? I always loved writing, this is something everyone knows about me. And I never saw myself as a reporter, yet, I saw myself as a lover of all genres of writing – journalism included. I thought getting a degree in English was too safe – and for someone like myself. I wasn’t sure that that was who I was supposed to be, just yet. I learned so much more about writing, styles, form and I have such an appreciation that why wouldn’t I ever want to be teacher? Well, that’s just it. Since that freshman year of college – I always knew that teaching creative writing was something I wanted to do. My positive experiences played such a significant part in the role I’m pursuing today and how I even got to where I am now.

Today – I’m spending my nights and  parts of my days thinking about my interview for the New York City Teaching Fellows program that’s coming up in a few days. After I get through this amazing fete, I will keep trodding on to pursue graduate programs in teaching English education until I get into one program because I know that one program will be the right fit for me. I can feel it in my bones!!

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There’s A Reason You Never Go Back..

22 Mar

Call me crazy, but this weather is just the icing on the cake for my uplifting spirits and has been leaving me in such amazing moods. It’s not often that you have 70 degree weather in March living in New York City and really, I’m holding out on bringing out the Spring dresses only because it’s all I wear during the Spring and Summer seasons – for the most part. I’m a HUGE girly girl at times, but I’m pretty aggressive when need be.

It’s funny that I’m even thinking about this, but have you ever logged onto your Facebook and seen a past lover/ex pop up on your newsfeed and sometimes (in your heart of hearts) ever think about the what ifs, maybes and or where your life would’ve gone if things would have taken a different toll had you been in a relationship with that person? I’m not thinking about ANY particular ex of mine as I write this – but this goes for every woman I’ve ever had any type of connection or emotional relationship with. I’ve had some serious and not so serious relationships all of which were learning experiences for me. I don’t take any of them back. For a while when I was a little younger (I say it like I’m so old), there was one or two women I constantly gravitated towards and found myself going back to, looking for a relationship or something more. But it was never the right time. I was getting involved with people from my past all over again – like it was a cycle. And it was a pattern I noticed that was deeply rooted with the relationship I have with my Father. My Father, a man who is in and out of my life irregularly – and I was somehow doing the same with one or two women, but I couldn’t help it. I’m human.

Too many times I would tell myself, “You can never go back to someone you’ve been with in your past.” Just the other day on the radio they were talking about people in relationships and if they would give it a second chance if it didn’t work out the first time. I’ve been there once before, and it didn’t work out for me and the person I was with at the time. In all honesty, I don’t really believe in giving it a second shot. Maybe because I’m not living proof I don’t know. I’ve heard success stories of people who have had the complete opposite – dated once, then separated and got back together a second time and live happily ever after. But I’ll always be a believer in fairy tales and happy endings. That’s something no one can take away from me no matter who comes and who goes from my life.

I’m a firm believer that if it didn’t work out in a relationship.. you have every right in your mind to get up, dust yourself off and move on from that experience. Walk away with everything you have learned about relationships and yourself because there will be another – maybe not right away, but eventually someone will come along and surprise you just as much as you surprise them. As my doctor told me some time ago, “Make someone really show you they want to be with you. Make them do the work to show you that.”

Emotionally Unavailable to the Available

31 Jan

Have you ever tried being emotionally unavailable to the people who were emotionally available to you? Okay let’s try that again. Have you tried not getting emotionally involved with someone who has said they want to be emotionally involved with you – but it just doesn’t work out for you? Well, welcome to my life. Almost every single relationship I’ve entered in that turned into something long term I treaded on thin ice, trying not to rush into things but as most women will do – we rush into love never giving ourselves enough time to enjoy life or our partners and each other but most of all enjoying our own lives and self worth.

The truth is, I’ve never really been by myself. Since turning 18, I’ve been in three long term relationships, and most of them were not healthy ones. I’ve always wanted to “work things out,” even when I knew there was nothing to work on. But I always fought to find a resolution to the problem, thinking there was one and I could find it. This isn’t healthy, that I know. In my very first relationship when I was just a baby at 18 years old, just three months into the relationship I knew that the relationship was not for me nor the person was the right person for me. But I stayed. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for a little longer than a year. In the end I was always putting myself last and never thinking about what I really wanted and what was best for me. I became emotionally unavailable after a while and not for good reasons. I forgot about my wants and needs and emotions. I wasn’t important anymore.

When you’re in a relationship, usually you don’t see your friends as much because you’re spending more time with your significant other or you’re not partying as much. Maybe you’ll spend a little less attention to your looks or maybe a little more for the first couple of months until that fades out. I can’t say that all of this applies to me, but I know other women out there catch my drift. You lose yourself in the midst and sometimes your distractions become overwhelming to control when relationships seem to take center of your life – especially unhealthy and unhappy ones.

I’m not going to lie and say the people I’ve been in relationships with were horrible and cruel people because they truthfully weren’t. They just weren’t right for me. That’s all. I keep in touch on a ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ basis with past lovers but under no circumstances do I need to see them or be best friends with them. To me, this is a boundary I’ve never nor will I ever cross.

For the past 5 years it seems, I’ve just felt that my rocky relationship history has defined most of my early adult life and this is not what I anticipated. It’s true that when you picture a plan for yourself you picture a plan and you want to stick to it. Though my plan hasn’t changed with my career, I still have faith that it will get to where it will go. But what I’m trying to say is that relationships have become the center of my life for the past few years, but not my entire existence. I’m a hopeless romantic yes, but I haven’t forgotten my own hopes and dreams for myself and where I want to go.

It’s not often it seems that I’m not in a relationship, but it seems that when I am in one – they all seem to take control over my life and I forget what’s really important…ME. Quite frankly, no one person is going to break up with me and say, “Hey baby, I just don’t think this is going to work out. I think you need to take care of yourself and do what you have to do to see your dreams come true.” When do you ever hear anyone saying that? Let’s be real, now.

So finally, the only commitment I’m making is to myself as I’ve said and to my own happiness. If I must be emotionally unavailable for a while, then I must but it’s really a long time coming that I put my best foot forward in putting myself and my needs and wants and every wishes first because there are things I want to see happen and if I want to bring them to fruition, no one other person or relationship will do that for me but myself .

When I Throw My Face On..

30 Jan

Every morning, like clockwork I will get up and make my bed and do a few stretches just so I’m not walking around feeling like an old lady all day and because though I’m 25 I actually have backaches like you wouldn’t believe and I can’t blame it on my amazing new bed either.

As I’m getting ready whenever someone might come in or if someone is waiting on me if I’m going somewhere with someone I’ll usually say something like, “Okay let me just put on my face.” Usually that’s referring to a little bit of make-up. But really, it means that I’m putting on my daily face and preparing for the day that’s to come whatever that’s been given to me even if I do get a little dirty.

I’m usually hard on myself for a reason and not because I’ve had too many people be hard on me my whole life except my mother. My mother has been in my ear and my head all of my life and was and still is my biggest support system. She’s been both mother and father to me, though this story I’ve told more than once and in many different ways. I have always set high standards and expectations for myself, but I’ve always been distracted by people and relationships and just never been able to put myself first and foremost. Granted that’s no excuse, but it’s been a huge transition of emotions and growing into this adult life. When they tell you growing up, “Enjoy being a kid,” I seriously had no idea what that meant until now.

I’m learning so much now because I’ve been taking the time to talk about things I never talked about before and I’m able to really dissect things about my past issues and relationships that make so much sense to me now that I don’t know how I never could’ve seen it back then. But it’s a growing process. You learn as you grow and I couldn’t be more susceptible to my mixed emotions than I am now when I’m finally figuring out who I am and where I am in my own skin. I’m finally taking the time to spend on myself and not to “work on a relationship” or “fix problems.” I think once I realized just how far I’ve come and how much further I have yet to go, I know that this isn’t the end of it for me and that this isn’t going to be all I have to offer to myself or to anyone when and if the time comes which isn’t anywhere in site on my radar right now.

The only committment I’m making is to myself and it’s to be fair to myself and to what I deserve which is happiness. I don’t deserve anything less than what I shell out and I know that in order to get where I want to go in life the only person that can take me there is myself. So every day I just have to continue to put my face on and know that the Man Upstairs has a plan for me and that plan is a great one! I always leave it in faith and prayer that he will get me where I need to be and that right now I am where I need to be.

Killing My Dream or Just a Killer in My Dreams?

15 Dec

Lately, my dreams have been a little beside me and I can’t quite gauge where the hell they are coming from sometimes. I’m randomly dreaming about women in my life who I have no close relationship with and I’m going off on crazy tunnel adventures in canoes with them. Yes, I know. Something about some of these dreams makes me feel like I’m vicariously dreaming like a teenager, but a part of me feels like these dreams are exactly that – dreams and they’re keeping me stuck in these fairy tales and that I shouldn’t be living like a hopeless romantic. Then perhaps I wouldn’t be having dreams every other night with these crazy happenings and fairy tale stories that I know will never happen – unless of course I give them the benefit of the doubt. I’ve always been a believer in all things and a dreamer.

However, not all of my dreams are fabulous though. Just last night and going into this morning, I woke from a bizarre dream. By far, one of the most eye opening dreams I’ve had to date. I blogged a few months ago (here) about dreaming about an Ex which just so happened to be what I dreamed about this time around. Two different people, two different scenarios.

Last night’s dream kind of scared me. Usually if I dream about people from my past who I’ve dated (which is very rare), it’s often never a bad dream. It’s usually an awkward thing like we went to a party together or we were in a store, those types of things. But last night’s dream was just scary. My ex popped up in the dream outright threatening me and pretty much trying to kill me. Because I’m sure everyone wants to dream about an ex lover who turns vengeful on you, I decided to turn to DreamMoods.com to try and interpret the meaning of the dream.

I really only looked at one key word since it was the one thing that stood out for me with this dream and since the phrase “ex lover trying to kill you” didn’t work.

“Killer”

To see a killer in your dream suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process.You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.

I’m always very interested in dreams and their meanings behind them. This one, though – I really hope to not repeat. I do my best to always be positive, which struck a chord with me this morning when I woke up because I hadn’t really given the person much thought which is probably why I had the dream in the first place. Dreams often find their way to you when you’re thinking about the most innate things. Then we’re left waking up not being able to shake this miserable feeling, right? Actually – I went almost all day until around 3pm not realizing I had a dream about my Ex trying to kill me. So it was a good day. Ha!

Christmas in The Bones

9 Dec

After such a crazy, hectic and fun week I really can’t complain. I mean, Christmas is two weeks away. It’s kind of surreal almost. But I love Christmas and the holidays. I truly feel like a kid again. The older I get, not only the more excited I get about presents under the tree – but it becomes more for me about the giving aspect of Christmas. After such an amazing day yesterday I really do feel like there are so many people out there that are just in need of more things that are just more basic than electronic gadgets and shiny toys. Though they’re fun to have, there are kids out there who are suffering with greater things in their lives than what to write on their Christmas list – because they might not get to make it until Christmas. Or a family just might not be able to afford to say that Santa was good to them this year.

Every year, my Mom and I have given to a charity and I always was under the presumption that she gave because it was a reputable charity. The other day when the St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital commercial came on, she mentioned that she was going to remind herself to put a check in the mail for them this week. My mom could have her last dollar, and she’d still donate to them every year. But I finally found out why this particular charity was one that she donated to every year. Once the commercial ended she said, “I donate to them especially because Mommy had Leukemia.” Then I thought, “But these are kids. Grandma was older when she passed.” So she responded with, “Yes but kids grow into adults and that’s what we want.” Her response made my heart smile and a lightbulb went off and I agreed wholeheartedly. We DO want kids to grow into healthy adults and lead this world into a safe, loving and wonderful place to live.

Another charity I am very close to because of the work I’ve been involved with in the recent past is Breast Cancer Awareness and particularly the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation. I worked for an organization that worked with the Komen Foundation and it’s a pretty great charity that is always hard at work to raise awareness and increase every community’s involvement about breast health not only for women but for men, too.

I know that Christmas is about giving and because I normally feel like my heart is bigger than my head (though my five head will tell you otherwise), I just think giving back is the right thing to do. I don’t think that having the attitude of “Well if I give back then I’ll get back ten fold” is the right way out either and that’s not what I’m aiming for. Being able to give to people to show support is what in turn I would hope people would do if I were ever in their situations or circumstances. Now that I’ve really got Christmas coursing through my veins and the holiday spirit – it’s time to spike the Egg Nog & get these holiday parties started. Who’s with me!?! =D

Happy Maggie!

22 Nov

This might just be another random post, but brace yourself. You’ve been warned. =D

Ahh, the things that keep me sane and living every day like it’s Friday. In no way do I mean to sound like I’m gloating, but when I’m happy – I have to embrace it, because no one person is making me feel happy or one relationship is doing it for me. I’m doing it for me. Too often I’ve put people’s happiness and their priorities ahead of my own and that’s just no more for me. To be honest, I’m tired of singing the same sad love song as Miss Toni Braxton would say. I’ve checked out on that agenda.

Moving along…

Pretty awesome things are happening to the people around me which have in turn been making me one happy camper. Being able to be a little ray of hope and inspiration to my circle has been inspiring me to do what I love and keep me going every single day that I have absolutely no reason to not be happy. This weekend, I helped my ten year old cousin with a speech she was giving because she was running for class president, which I have to add that even though I helped her get the words onto paper and into a cohesive way – all of the thoughts were her own. She framed the speech all on her own. She even told me how she thought she should start and end the speech! I’m proud of her to say the least and not just because she won, but because she took on a challenge like that and only because her teacher suggested she run for class president. Now she’s running for school president. Fun GLEE-inspired projects ahead? YES! Anything to dive into my youth for a little bit.

Just this weekend, I had one of the most productive weekends ever. I didn’t spend it working like most weekends and putting in much overtime. I spent it all on ME! And of course putting in some time with much needed people and inspiring thoughts and creative ideas. I’m getting this brain going and digging into some things and once it’s going there’s no telling where it will go and when it will stop.

Most of this year I was busy spending my time on other people when I should’ve been focused on myself & the places I was going. But rather than spending the rest of my life and spending time on the ‘should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’s ‘ I’m just going to plunge forward with everything I’ve got and do things a little differently this time. Still the same Margarita, just with a little twist.

I secretly hate that I’m sounding like loads of cliches right now and everything I’m saying is like a laundry list of girl punk phrases, but whatever. I’m a girl, dammit. Let me have my moment.

Random thought – but as I’ve been in this whole “focusing on me” high, I’ve also been adding to my bucket list and taking to treating myself in ways I definitely am super happy about. This girl right here is always happy. Since moving a few months ago, I’ve been slowly but surely decorating the new place and I’ve forgotten just how much thought goes into decorating. My bedroom feels kind of bland, but I picked up these small shelves from Target and I’m definitely looking for more inspiration and ways to spice up my bedroom.

There are probably two things I want for my room that are symbolic and one of which is here:

Yes, a dreamcatcher. I mostly want it because I’ve always loved them and always loved the meaning behind them. Though most people probably don’t know this about me because I don’t share it with many people – I do have Native American roots from my Father’s side which were only so vivid in my Grandmother when she was alive.

As you can see, there are plenty of things and people in my life keeping my feet on the ground and keeping me happy and living my life to the utmost that I can. There are way to many good days to look ahead to – especially now.

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