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Mrs. Nice Guy Has Been Nice A Little Too Much

8 Feb

This post can go in so many ways, and I’m not quite sure where to begin.

I’ve been told in the past that I give in too easily to people and I’m “too nice.” Oft, that I trust people far easily. Perhaps people mistake my kindness and bubbly personality for weakness. Whatever it is it has gotten me in sticky situations and leaves me dangling with where I question people, their motives.

Currently, I do feel like my trust with some people is being questioned and honestly it upsets me. When I feel I cannot trust someone, it builds walls up for me and makes me not want to be so nice to those people you thought you could trust. Trust is an important thing to have in a person. It’s like safety. If you don’t feel safe somewhere, then common sense is you do not go where you feel unsafe. Right?

Often times when people do things or say things that make us feel uncomfortable it’s difficult to deal with when you have shown support to that person. So to turn against you, I use that term vaguely, is why people like myself do not open up to people and why when you see me with a straight face on it isn’t because I’m sad it’s because I have walls bigger than the Great Wall of China around me because of people like I described to thank for it.

And it doesn’t get better. Apparently the more toxic people as such described continue to enter my life day by day when I take steps at detoxifying them and the other things from my life.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole cutting everyone out of my life, friends included, starting with a brand new life ever worked for anyone. I don’t know if its ever been doable for anyone but what else are my options really?

Change is inevitable. Something’s gotta give.



19 Oct

As it just so happens over the last couple of days as I’ve been cleaning out and trying to get together a few systems to keep my life organized from my inbox with loads of junkmail to my shoes and wardbrode and other miscelleanous projects underway, I have come back to my blog. Something I’ve long neglected for a while. When I looked at one of the pages here, 30 Before 30, I realized that some of the things on the list didn’t quite ring true to me anymore. They didn’t feel like something BIG to me, but rather something in the future I perhaps saw myself getting into the craft or hobby of. I made an update or two and realized one major thing on the list had been accomplished.

10. Move out of Mom’s + get my first place.

Technically speaking, I didn’t get my own place. But I’ve moved in with my girlfriend Lindsey and it has been a really positive and great experience. No doubt I have had a bunch of nerves about making the leap, but I am certain that I’ve made a good and right step towards something I have wanted and known I’ve needed for my own sake of being an adult for a long time.

The decision didn’t come abruptly. I’ve known for a few years now that I’ve been ready to make the move out of the nest that my Mom has so neatly provided for and abundtly cozzied me up to. But it wasn’t enough to keep me living with my parent forever. I’ve been in long relationships before also where the topic has been broached about “making the move,” or “when we’re ready.” But I think my former partners knew more than I did that our relationships just never reached that point. I knew it, too, and I was never comfortable enough to make such a big move like that. Sometimes taking those kinds of risks isn’t worth it if you don’t feel 100% invested in someone.

But now –

One month in and Lindsey and I have been more than adjusting. I mean, I had a few sleepless nights over the summer when I realized I was spending 90% of my time day in and day out at her place. There was an awkward point when I couldn’t separate myself from guest to roommate when I was timid, afraid almost to clean up around the place only because I knew I didn’t live there – yet. I was finding myself almost crossing odd boundaries – like I was breaching unspoken territories if I touched things that I didn’t know about. I mean, I was spending alot of time with her but we still were in this transitional period of getting to know one another. To Lindsey’s dismay, she always answered my frustrations with a, “You practically live here already.”

I was in between a rock and a hard place at one point – finding the right time when to tell my Mom I was making this big move. When I finally told Lindsey, “Babe, I think I’m going to tell my Mom I’m ready to move and start in September,” she jumped right on board and with a blink of an eye was right behind the wheel of that U-haul truck climbing stairs, carrying my tons of books, my clothes. And it all just fell right into place just like that.

So as I cross this off of my list – I can’t wait to see what others I accomplish. Because this was a BIG one. =)

Hello Change, I’m Ready For You!

26 Mar

So I’m not one to ever advertise a product or market something – unless I totally 100% believe in it. There’s a company whose products are based around all natural health and nutritional things. Herbalife helped me about a year ago begin my weight loss journey. The people in my life who know me and know me well know about my story with my losing weight and my struggle with being overweight all of my life – being the chubby red head was always the story of my life. It was something I just accepted. But once you really become knowledgeable about your health and the consequences it can have later on in the future – you pay more attention.

That’s exactly what I did.

What really happened like probably tons of other overweight people is I had a doctor visit scare. Actually, it was a visit to the dermatologist. I had had this red rash behind my neck for going on a year or two years (ironically ever since I had put on 30-40 pounds). So I made a visit to the dermatologist for a consultation. The doctor came into the room and took a look at the rash behind my neck with a light, ran one finger over it and clicked off the light. She turned around and said some medical mumbo-jumbo terminology I didn’t quite understand. I asked her to rephrase what she meant about the rash’s origin and where it comes from. She said, “These types of rashes come from people who usually have diabetes.” All I heard was diabetes. I left the office in tears thinking my health was at risk and worse – that my future was never going to be the same.

After tests and follow-ups I’m thankful to say that I do not have diabetes and I’m a perfectly healthy young woman. But this scare however unprofessional it might have been with just one consultation – was the fire that I needed to light under me. I knew at that moment that my weight was only going to continue to be a concern for more health issues in the future if I didn’t do something about it. So I did something.

I began this amazing protein shake program – kind of like a Slim Fast, but all natural and healthy for you with Herbalife. My best friend’s mother and her family were big supporters since they had their own health clubs selling the products. At the start of me joining, I was well over 200 pounds (though no one believes me). You could see it in my face how chubby I was. Yes, I still say chubby.

Before the weight loss..

After a few months of doing the program and exercising, I dropped the weight and everyone saw my results. I’ve been able to keep off the weight since then and I couldn’t be happier. Also, that rash behind my neck miraculously disappeared.

After the weight loss!

The picture above was just this January. But the hard work doesn’t stop there. I still am not at my goal weight so I’d like to lose between another thirty to forty pounds, which I know is feasible with this program and the amazing support system this company has!


There’s A Reason You Never Go Back..

22 Mar

Call me crazy, but this weather is just the icing on the cake for my uplifting spirits and has been leaving me in such amazing moods. It’s not often that you have 70 degree weather in March living in New York City and really, I’m holding out on bringing out the Spring dresses only because it’s all I wear during the Spring and Summer seasons – for the most part. I’m a HUGE girly girl at times, but I’m pretty aggressive when need be.

It’s funny that I’m even thinking about this, but have you ever logged onto your Facebook and seen a past lover/ex pop up on your newsfeed and sometimes (in your heart of hearts) ever think about the what ifs, maybes and or where your life would’ve gone if things would have taken a different toll had you been in a relationship with that person? I’m not thinking about ANY particular ex of mine as I write this – but this goes for every woman I’ve ever had any type of connection or emotional relationship with. I’ve had some serious and not so serious relationships all of which were learning experiences for me. I don’t take any of them back. For a while when I was a little younger (I say it like I’m so old), there was one or two women I constantly gravitated towards and found myself going back to, looking for a relationship or something more. But it was never the right time. I was getting involved with people from my past all over again – like it was a cycle. And it was a pattern I noticed that was deeply rooted with the relationship I have with my Father. My Father, a man who is in and out of my life irregularly – and I was somehow doing the same with one or two women, but I couldn’t help it. I’m human.

Too many times I would tell myself, “You can never go back to someone you’ve been with in your past.” Just the other day on the radio they were talking about people in relationships and if they would give it a second chance if it didn’t work out the first time. I’ve been there once before, and it didn’t work out for me and the person I was with at the time. In all honesty, I don’t really believe in giving it a second shot. Maybe because I’m not living proof I don’t know. I’ve heard success stories of people who have had the complete opposite – dated once, then separated and got back together a second time and live happily ever after. But I’ll always be a believer in fairy tales and happy endings. That’s something no one can take away from me no matter who comes and who goes from my life.

I’m a firm believer that if it didn’t work out in a relationship.. you have every right in your mind to get up, dust yourself off and move on from that experience. Walk away with everything you have learned about relationships and yourself because there will be another – maybe not right away, but eventually someone will come along and surprise you just as much as you surprise them. As my doctor told me some time ago, “Make someone really show you they want to be with you. Make them do the work to show you that.”

Dear Mom,

20 Mar

I’ve written something similar to this on Father’s Day and though Mother’s Day isn’t for another month and some change.. it’s been quite an interesting fete that I have been experiencing with the woman who has given me birth over the course of the last year. I often blog about the woman and praise her too often. People often know her as my shadow that is always there even when she physically isn’t – it’s a double edged sword I tell you. Though this isn’t supposed to be a mushy post, somehow everytime I write about her this is just where it goes.

Lately and as I get older, I’ve “woken up and smelled the coffee,” if you will for lack of a better cliched term at just how much my Mother really is such a crucial person in my life, but also can sometimes be a burden because of the close relationship we have. I’ve taken some time out and some time away to realize that things take time and take change for not just me, but friends and family including my Mother herself to see me as more than the little Redhead girl with the bright eyes and pale skin and smiling cute face everyone knew me as. To many people in my life say, “I’m still so young.”

I’ve always lived with my Mother and we’ve  to an extent shared a life together (however that sounds, it’s purely platonic). So, in essence my Mother along with everyone in my life can’t see me apart from her because that’s how it has always been. My Mom and me. Her and I. Like two peas in a pod. You know that show, the Gilmore Girls? Yeah, that’s pretty much us. Some people get it and some people don’t. We’re terribly close and I’m eternally grateful for the relationship I have with her, but in another sense – there have been downfalls. Being an only child. Not having a role model for relationships to turn to in my Mother. There are some other personal things I won’t talk about that only I talk about with my Mother and should she read this (which I know she eventually will), she’ll know which ones I’m talking about – that are the battles of what keep any Mother and Daughter from butting heads.

People doubt that I’ve yet to “move out of the nest,” because I’m so close to my Mother and because I’ll never leave home. I’d like to publicly say that’s FALSE. The only thing that ever kept me from moving out was myself – I wasn’t committed enough to finally making that step. I’ve been asked by ex-partners to “move in together,” but it NEVER felt right to me. With either of the persons and the situations. Should I meet someone who I 150% feel completely sure of and right about to move in with and take that step with, then so be it. But that has never happened – yet.

Since my Mom has been doing all sorts of babying me and treating me like a princess, I know that she only does it out of the kindness in her heart and because she spoils me rotten. She always has. She takes care of me and babies me when I don’t even look for it. But that’s what Mothers do. So, in this very short, informal way I want to write a letter to my Mom to tell her just how much those things don’t go unappreciated and accounted for nor will they keep me from moving out and when I’m ready, making that next step.

Dear Mom,

I’m moving out. Just kidding. Well, not really. I’ve been saying that forever and as much as it makes you feel like you’re swallowing rocks, I’m not ever planning on moving out of your life. There are times when I think about how far I’ve gotten and I think about who was there every step of the way, cheering for me, watching me, holding me as I cried and it was always you. You have been the biggest backbone in my life and I always want you to remain as such. We have an amazing relationship that even I can’t find the words to describe them – imagine that!

On a more serious note, I’ve talked about this for a while and though you may think I’m never going to leave your side, I’m not a puppy. I’m simply your daughter and I have to grow up some day. All I ask is that you be there to support me as you’ve done when I take on that next step in my life and that I have you there because I know that I will have so much more to learn as I take those next steps into my adulthood. When the time comes that I do leave the nest as they say, just remember that I may be leaving the nest that you built and that I learned so much from. In turn, I will always have you to call my home.


Old School Thangs

6 Mar

Over the weekend when I was reorganizing my closet, I was going through some of my old but upkept sneakers. Most of my sneakers look like they’re freshly bought mainly because when I wear them, I keep them looking as if they were fresh out of the box. Plain and simple – I take care of my things old and new. It’s because of that reason that I still have sneakers and shoes from 7 years ago that look brand new, but also because I don’t always wear them. I have enough sneakers and shoes to pretty much cover me, but I’m always looking to buy new ones. A girl can never have enough shoes or handbags – it’s written somewhere I’m sure.

Going through my old sneakers from high school, don’t judge me, makes me feel kind of good. It brings me back to when things in life were simple and less crazy. When all that really mattered were your friends and school and even what you were doing after class. College was just an extended version of that in a sense, with more responsibilities. It was the adult version. We grew up and made decisions. When I look through my closet and at the shoes and sneakers I wore as I grew up – the decisions I made to wear on my feet changed. But today, I’m feeling a little old school. It’s nice to go back to that every once in a while.

I have to tell you, this week the universe has been sending me out some crazy positive vibes and I’m feeding off of that energy. I’ve been ignoring whatever I believe to be negative or a toxic energy and it’s been such a turning page for me to do that. I can only pray and hope that it keeps up like this. Maybe it’s because this week I have some awesome things going on for me, maybe it’s because the man upstairs is working in favor for me – all I know that I’m letting the cards fall where they may. I’ve always been the type of person to want to plan things far ahead and plan things day by day and to the tea. I mean, you would almost think I was a military child at the way I was so organized with how I functioned. But I guess that was me looking for some order in a disorderly kind of world. I’m stopping that a little more each day and I’m just letting things go how they want to go. When I have an urge to do something I’ll just do it, no questions asked. I don’t plan too many things ahead of time anymore because I don’t want to live like that with all of those constraints that I need to plan everything out according to this day or that day. I can still be organized and in my own way. I can still be old school with a new school twist.

So if I’m feeling like wearing my old school Nike Dunks one day when I wake up, chances are I’m feeling a little old school and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Old school Nike Dunks ❤

Positively Productive

4 Mar

If I keep up at this, I just might be on to a seven day type of challenge making all of my titles to my posts Dr. Seussian inspired.

This weekend I was planning to put in some overtime at work, but I slept in late on Saturday and said, “Screw it. I deserve this weekend to myself.” I just had so much on my mental To Do list and in actuality, I wound up doing more than I intended to this weekend.

I was able to rearrange my closet which made me feel like I was stepping into a whole new heaven. Sometimes I have a tendency to start cleaning at night which might set some people off, but when I’ve got the urge to reorganize or clean I just do it no matter what time of day or night it is.

With knocking a few other things off of my schedule this weekend, I had more time to do things I knew I wouldn’t have been able to get to had I done other things. I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to say “No” to some things and “It can wait until tomorrow.” That’s exactly what I did. In doing that, I was able to sleep well this weekend which I haven’t been able to over the past few months. Maybe it’s because of all of the other distractions in my life or maybe I just really need to focus on one or two things at a time. Often when I am doing too much I burn myself out. I can juggle a bunch of things at once because college life made me adapt to that, but things have changed since then. It’s time to take things one step at a time so that I can pay more closely at what the real goal is and get to it.

This week coming up is a busier than usual which kind of excites me a little because I’m doing a bunch of things that excite me and that make me happy. Here’s to a week of positively productive things & to possible unexpected happenings.

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