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Fresh In Love.

18 Jul

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but behold.. I’M BACK! And, but of course.. In love. =D

To no surprise I have had some things going on in my life, but nothing I can’t handle that I haven’t before. It’s funny how the saying, “When one door closes, another one opens.” I didn’t really start to see the meaning of the saying until I met my girlfriend, Lindsey, a few months ago. I know I don’t like talking about my personal life or even my love life at that on my blogs, but everyone around me notices when I’m happy and they pick up on my happiness and genuinely are excited for me and this new woman in my life.

It’s funny when I tell people how I met Lindsey, but actually it’s probably the best story. I joined I know, I know. I had joined other dating sites before in the past, but this one you had to pay for so I thought this would filter some legit women and not crazy women (no offensive to past lovers, here). I had met two women from before Lindsey and let’s just say they were too extreme for my liking. I knew that I wasn’t a “match.”

After our first date, I knew that there was something about Lindsey that I wanted more of. She was everything I had never had and everything I wanted in a woman. She is intelligent, thought-provoking, caring. I can go on. We gravitated towards each other instantly and the rest has been history.

What I found in Lindsey is more than just a “girlfriend.” I found a life-partner. I confide in her in a lot of things and she shows me new things every day and teaches me more about myself and what I’m capable of than I thought I would be learning on my own.

Before we met, I always thought about the things I wanted in a relationship and things I didn’t want in a relationship. But when we met it seemed like we just gelled and to be able to have common goals and morals with a partner is so important and something we both value. For the both of us, it’s a big thing. I think that’s one of the reasons why we felt the way we did when we first met.

As much as I won’t make this sound like a page ripped out of a fairytale book, it’s our little piece of our fairytale however our path will turn I’m sure it will be an exciting one and never a dull one. Here’s to us, babycakes. ūüėČ


There’s A Reason You Never Go Back..

22 Mar

Call me crazy, but this weather is just the icing on the cake for my uplifting spirits and has been leaving me in such amazing moods. It’s not often that you have 70 degree weather in March living in New York City and really, I’m holding out on bringing out the Spring dresses only because it’s all I wear during the Spring and Summer seasons – for the most part. I’m a HUGE girly girl at times, but I’m pretty aggressive when need be.

It’s funny that I’m even thinking about this, but have you ever logged onto your Facebook and seen a past lover/ex pop up on your newsfeed and sometimes (in your heart of hearts) ever think about the what ifs, maybes and or where your life would’ve gone if things would have taken a different toll had you been in a relationship with that person? I’m not thinking about ANY particular ex of mine as I write this – but this goes for every woman I’ve ever had any type of connection or emotional relationship with. I’ve had some serious and not so serious relationships all of which were learning experiences for me. I don’t take any of them back. For a while when I was a little younger (I say it like I’m so old), there was one or two women I constantly gravitated towards and found myself going back to, looking for a relationship or something more. But it was never the right time. I was getting involved with people from my past all over again – like it was a cycle. And it was a pattern I noticed that was deeply rooted with the relationship I have with my Father. My Father, a man who is in and out of my life irregularly – and I was somehow doing the same with one or two women, but I couldn’t help it. I’m human.

Too many times I would tell myself, “You can never go back to someone you’ve been with in your past.” Just the other day on the radio they were talking about people in relationships and if they would give it a second chance if it didn’t work out the first time. I’ve been there once before, and it didn’t work out for me and the person I was with at the time. In all honesty, I don’t really believe in giving it a second shot. Maybe because I’m not living proof I don’t know. I’ve heard success stories of people who have had the complete opposite – dated once, then separated and got back together a second time and live happily ever after. But I’ll always be a believer in fairy tales and happy endings. That’s something no one can take away from me no matter who comes and who goes from my life.

I’m a firm believer that if it didn’t work out in a relationship.. you have every right in your mind to get up, dust yourself off and move on from that experience. Walk away with everything you have learned about relationships and yourself because there will be another – maybe not right away, but eventually someone will come along and surprise you just as much as you surprise them. As my doctor told me some time ago, “Make someone really show you they want to be with you. Make them do the work to show you that.”

Love’s Soldier

17 Mar

I’ve blogged quite a bit about my singledom over the past couple of months. I’ve been single for going on eight months now and though it’s been an interesting eight months, I’ve learned so much about myself since I’ve been single than I did while in my last relationship, I kid you not.

I would be remissed to say that the energy I have now is beyond words. I’ve had some in depth conversations about how I love when I’m in love – it’s no secret that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that when I fall in love, I fall in love with every fiber in my body. I’m a huge believer in fairytales and happy endings of all sorts – I believe that if you feel the magic and the connection between someone in a moment’s instant then you just know if that person is right for you.

Being single has led me to really think about what I don’t want in a relationship most of all, but more importantly about the things that I do want in a relationship. Of course, I could only imagine that when I meet someone who I feel that connection with – it will happen naturally as I should let it.

It’s funny, but I know people who after every break up they say they’re going to, “do them.” For some it works and they stay single for a long time. But I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe in love and relationships and perhaps it’s because I have an old soul and I never was interested in partying much. So every time I’m single, I¬†wait for love to take me to the next course¬†– I let it happen the way that it’s supposed to, the way that it wants to happen. I’m always hopeful that it will come and I don’t doubt ever that it still exists. I’m love’s soldier and the¬†only battle you win is the one that two people¬†fight for.¬†

Trans Love

2 Mar

It’s no secret that I love women. Well maybe to a select few people I’ve yet to come out to – but by now if they’ve read my blogs – the cat’s out the bag! =)

And it’s no secret that I’m a huge supporter of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Gender Non-conforming Community as well. I attend as many events around the community’s most important issues that are pivotal to my life and my future. I’ve been pretty lucky to even work in LGBTGNC-friendly organizations that have done great grassroots work and to date – it’s been some of the best jobs I’ve ever had.

What I love the most though is that our community is always improving and always growing and changing. I’m always looking for ways to be involved in whatever ways possible because when I’m not – I kind of feel out of the loop with life.

I’m digressing. It seems like I’ve been reading about TONS of trans parenting (particularly on Huffington Post). I’m super excited about this and I’m not sure why exactly. Maybe it’s because I know so many parents who have phobias about gender and don’t raise their children in a gender-neutralized setting, constricting them to what’s right and what’s wrong. Many parents I know almost never give their children an option of choosing between Barbies or toy trucks, rather they go for the toy that relates to the kid’s gender (ie: boy gets the truck, girl gets the Barbie).

However, it seems like more and more stories are being told about young children coming out as gay or trans and their parents are telling their stories and writing about their journeys.

One woman effortlessly told the story here  about how her seven year old son came out to her as gay while she was on the phone. It sounds kind of like my Coming Out story to my mother. I came out to her over dinner one night when she questioned me about my online profile having been colored in rainbows. She had a clue, and she was right.

Another woman wrote about the journey of her trans nanny (female to male) and its effect on her and her two small growing girls. Though she wasn’t parenting trans children, the insight on this article is so poignant and gives a non-judgmental view of the trans community as a whole.

Even here, we really see the full view of trans parenting where one woman captures the essence of what it is to be a parent and¬†raising a trans child. She blogs often about her journey and every day life and discoveries she and her trans (male to female) ten year old child are making in this new path. It’s breathtaking to read some of the things she writes and knowing that there are parents who are taking a non-judgmental approach at raising their children in such a gender-neutral and non-conforming way is so heartwarming.

I can imagine wanting to put little girls in cute pink clothes and dresses is difficult as it is and vice versa for little handsome boys. But as children grow up I really believe that gender becomes more and more important and how we express ourselves. As long as we can hold true to our own values and beliefs I think that kids will discover who they are on their own. It’s just our duty to support them no matter how they decide to identify wether it’s boy, girl, martian, Frankenstein, Cinderella or some character they pulled from the sky. I think all any kid ever¬†wants and needs¬†is support.

‘Marry Me, Carry Me, Ride Away With Me..’

1 Mar

The title of this post is actually a line from one of my favorite childhood lullabies my Mother used to sing to me growing up called Tony Boy and it was like NyQuil for me. After maybe two or three run throughs of the song, I’d be knocked out. It was catchy and somehow everytime she sang it, I pictured the scenes played out in my head. Probably because it’s based on a love tale. The lullaby goes like this:

Tony Boy, Tony Boy

Won’t you be my Pony Boy?

Don’t say No, Here we go

Far across the plains

Marry me, Carry me, Ride away with me

Giddy up, Giddy up, Giddy up, Giddy up 

Oh Tony Boy, my Pony Boy…

Though I never really looked up the true meaning of this lullaby, I always pictured myself on a pony with a knight in shining armour just as every fairy tale sold to every little girl. It was the epitome of fairy tales but in lullaby form. I’d like to imagine that someday if and when I do have children I’d pass on this lullaby to my kids.

But marriage seems so eerie to me now that I’m getting older. I still hold strong to my values and morals and traditions of it, but the way people in the media and entertainment abuse it is super hard to see sometimes. Take for instance the show The Bachelor, a man who goes on the show and dates upwards of 20 some odd women and dwindles it down to one woman who he knowingly will propose to at the end of the show. But given the many unsuccesses of the seasons – almost all of the men never wind up marrying the women they propose to or worse,¬†they wind up divorcing. I mean, how many more people do you hear of divorcing these days? I talk about this often and it’s heartbreaking to hear of how many young people are getting married just to get divorced in less than ten years’ time.

Bottom line – I think we rush into too much in life. Marriage being ONE of them. I remember before hitting 18 how much I wanted so badly to hit 18 and I thought I was going to be doing a million and one things differently and I was going to go off and live this completely different lifestyle. Then little by little reality starting hitting me and I stopped myself in my tracks and thought, “Well wait a minute. This is a bit harder than I thought.”

In fact, the older that I get, the more time I’m taking and slowing down to enjoy life more instead of wanting to speed things up and rush into marriage and kids and all of these other¬† life committments.

I know some people in my life who are my age who are either married, engaged or in committed relationships or have these other big committments in their lives and tell me all sorts of things that they would have taken the time to do differently or just taken more time out to do instead of rushing into something or doing something so soon or while they were still young. I never would judge anyone for doing anything because everyone is different and everyone has a different lifestyle. In other words, when the time is right – then you’ll know. But I often find that when we’re still very young and still figuring ourselves out and still growing (as I know I am and I’m a work in progress every day) I could never say I am ready for something that life committing.

There are some roads I’d like to reach before meeting others.

The Love Bug

14 Feb

So it’s Valentine’s Day and though I tried my very hardest to not blog about anything remotely Valentine Day-ish, unfortunately much like this overrated holiday I’ve decided to cave in. Yesterday I finally bought chocolates for my cousins and thought to myself, “Please let me get out of this aisle before I’m bombarded with all of these last-minute lovesick people.”

But today – the day of love (GAG) – has kind of left me in a swooping of conversations and passing through of overhearing of conversations about the power of love and the grand gestures it can bring. After my lunch break today when I was walking in the building, there was a man and a woman¬†who were clearly debating Valentine’s Day and the meaning of what¬†love means. Why anyone wants to debate that on ANY given day is beyond me. From what I overheard, the woman’s argument was ‘the way you love your mother is not the same way you love your child or your partner. It’s unconditional from the moment you are inside her womb.’ The man’s rebuttal was that it couldn’t be unconditional then if you can’t love every person in your life the same. She argued back with a personal example saying, ‘I can’t possibly love my child the way I love my husband. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my son and same goes for my husband, but above everything my child comes first.’

When I walked into the elevator, I thought of a similar debate I had with an ex partner of mine. It kind of relates to this topic as she had said to me some time ago¬†that she felt that I never put her first and always put my Mother above everyone else in my life – particularly her. Anyone and everyone who knows me knows that my Mother is my rock and best friend, the woman I confide almost everything in. When she said this to me, it bothered me. Not because it was true, but because it wasn’t. Naturally I won’t admit when I’m wrong and it’s a terrible habit I’m not proud to say I have, but even I think she knew she was wrong in saying so. In fact, I’ve only blogged about this a million times but I’ve almost always put the person I’ve dated first before anything and everyone else – my family will be the first to atest to that. I don’t blame anyone I’ve ever dated for that either except for myself – but I’m learning to adjust my life and myself.

With that being said, I do believe there is an order of priorities when it comes to loving people – and YOURSELF should always be number one on that list. As the First Lady Michelle Obama¬†said it best, ‘We as women often forget ourselves¬†on the top of our¬†lists when we’re busy loving and taking care of the people in our lives.’ But I do also believe that there is no such thing as putting anyone above another person. My Mother gets the same amount of love that the person I’m in a relationship with gets, albeit a different kind of love. But I’ve never nor will ever put both on different pedestals because I don’t believe in that. That’s a little ridiculous. If I ever were to draw up a list I would be on the very top, my family and kitties then close friends and some acquaintances next and finally everyone who I’ve yet to meet last! Nowhere do you see me writing 1.Me, 2. Mom, 3. Titi. Clearly I would be shallow and what kind of life is that anyway? Fortunately I’m able to love every day and keep the people I love close to my heart and home- ¬†so to me I suppose that’s worth partaking in some Valentine’s Day spirit.

Emotionally Unavailable to the Available

31 Jan

Have you ever tried being emotionally unavailable to the people who were emotionally available to you? Okay let’s try that again. Have you tried not getting emotionally involved with someone who has said they want to be emotionally involved with you – but it just doesn’t work out for you? Well, welcome to my life. Almost every single relationship I’ve entered in that turned into something long term I treaded on thin ice, trying not to rush into things but as most women will do – we rush into love never giving ourselves enough time to enjoy life or our partners and each other but most of all enjoying our own lives and self worth.

The truth is, I’ve never really been by myself. Since turning 18, I’ve been in three¬†long term¬†relationships, and most of them were not healthy ones.¬†I’ve always¬†wanted to “work things out,” even when I knew there was nothing to work on. But I always fought to find a resolution to the problem, thinking there was one and I could find it. This isn’t healthy, that I know. In my very first relationship when I was just a baby at 18 years old, just three months into the relationship I knew that the relationship was not for me nor the person was the right person for me. But I stayed. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for a little longer than a year. In the end I was always putting myself last and never thinking about what I really wanted and what was best for me. I became emotionally unavailable after a while and¬†not for good reasons. I forgot about my wants and needs and emotions. I wasn’t important anymore.

When you’re in a relationship, usually you don’t see your friends as much because you’re spending more time with your significant other or you’re not partying as much. Maybe you’ll spend a little less attention to your looks or maybe a little more for the first couple of months until that fades out. I can’t say that all of this applies to me, but I know other women out there catch my drift. You lose yourself in the midst and sometimes your distractions become overwhelming to control when relationships seem to take center of your life – especially unhealthy and unhappy ones.

I’m not going to lie and say the people I’ve been in relationships with were horrible and cruel people because they truthfully weren’t. They just weren’t right for me. That’s all. I keep in touch on a ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ basis with past lovers but under no circumstances do I need to see them or be best friends with them. To me, this is a boundary I’ve never nor will I ever cross.

For the past¬†5 years it seems, I’ve just felt that my rocky relationship history has defined most of my early adult life and this is not what I anticipated. It’s true that when you picture a plan for yourself you picture a plan and you want to stick to it. Though my plan hasn’t changed with my career, I still have faith that it will get to where it will go. But what I’m trying to say is that relationships have become the center of my life for the past few years, but not my entire existence. I’m a hopeless romantic yes, but I haven’t forgotten my own hopes and dreams¬†for myself and where I want to go.

It’s not often it seems that I’m not in a relationship, but it seems that when I am in one – they all seem to take control over my life and I forget what’s really important…ME. Quite frankly, no one person is going to break up with me and say, “Hey baby, I just don’t think this is going to work out. I think you need to take care of yourself and do what you have to do to see your dreams come true.” When do you ever hear anyone saying that? Let’s be real, now.

So finally, the only commitment I’m making is to myself as I’ve said and to my own happiness. If I must be emotionally unavailable for a while, then I must but it’s really a long time coming that I put my best foot forward in putting myself and my needs and wants and every wishes first because there are things I want to see happen and if I want to bring them to fruition, no one other person or relationship will do that for me but myself .

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