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19 Oct

As it just so happens over the last couple of days as I’ve been cleaning out and trying to get together a few systems to keep my life organized from my inbox with loads of junkmail to my shoes and wardbrode and other miscelleanous projects underway, I have come back to my blog. Something I’ve long neglected for a while. When I looked at one of the pages here, 30 Before 30, I realized that some of the things on the list didn’t quite ring true to me anymore. They didn’t feel like something BIG to me, but rather something in the future I perhaps saw myself getting into the craft or hobby of. I made an update or two and realized one major thing on the list had been accomplished.

10. Move out of Mom’s + get my first place.

Technically speaking, I didn’t get my own place. But I’ve moved in with my girlfriend Lindsey and it has been a really positive and great experience. No doubt I have had a bunch of nerves about making the leap, but I am certain that I’ve made a good and right step towards something I have wanted and known I’ve needed for my own sake of being an adult for a long time.

The decision didn’t come abruptly. I’ve known for a few years now that I’ve been ready to make the move out of the nest that my Mom has so neatly provided for and abundtly cozzied me up to. But it wasn’t enough to keep me living with my parent forever. I’ve been in long relationships before also where the topic has been broached about “making the move,” or “when we’re ready.” But I think my former partners knew more than I did that our relationships just never reached that point. I knew it, too, and I was never comfortable enough to make such a big move like that. Sometimes taking those kinds of risks isn’t worth it if you don’t feel 100% invested in someone.

But now –

One month in and Lindsey and I have been more than adjusting. I mean, I had a few sleepless nights over the summer when I realized I was spending 90% of my time day in and day out at her place. There was an awkward point when I couldn’t separate myself from guest to roommate when I was timid, afraid almost to clean up around the place only because I knew I didn’t live there – yet. I was finding myself almost crossing odd boundaries – like I was breaching unspoken territories if I touched things that I didn’t know about. I mean, I was spending alot of time with her but we still were in this transitional period of getting to know one another. To Lindsey’s dismay, she always answered my frustrations with a, “You practically live here already.”

I was in between a rock and a hard place at one point – finding the right time when to tell my Mom I was making this big move. When I finally told Lindsey, “Babe, I think I’m going to tell my Mom I’m ready to move and start in September,” she jumped right on board and with a blink of an eye was right behind the wheel of that U-haul truck climbing stairs, carrying my tons of books, my clothes. And it all just fell right into place just like that.

So as I cross this off of my list – I can’t wait to see what others I accomplish. Because this was a BIG one. =)


Dear Mom,

20 Mar

I’ve written something similar to this on Father’s Day and though Mother’s Day isn’t for another month and some change.. it’s been quite an interesting fete that I have been experiencing with the woman who has given me birth over the course of the last year. I often blog about the woman and praise her too often. People often know her as my shadow that is always there even when she physically isn’t – it’s a double edged sword I tell you. Though this isn’t supposed to be a mushy post, somehow everytime I write about her this is just where it goes.

Lately and as I get older, I’ve “woken up and smelled the coffee,” if you will for lack of a better cliched term at just how much my Mother really is such a crucial person in my life, but also can sometimes be a burden because of the close relationship we have. I’ve taken some time out and some time away to realize that things take time and take change for not just me, but friends and family including my Mother herself to see me as more than the little Redhead girl with the bright eyes and pale skin and smiling cute face everyone knew me as. To many people in my life say, “I’m still so young.”

I’ve always lived with my Mother and we’ve  to an extent shared a life together (however that sounds, it’s purely platonic). So, in essence my Mother along with everyone in my life can’t see me apart from her because that’s how it has always been. My Mom and me. Her and I. Like two peas in a pod. You know that show, the Gilmore Girls? Yeah, that’s pretty much us. Some people get it and some people don’t. We’re terribly close and I’m eternally grateful for the relationship I have with her, but in another sense – there have been downfalls. Being an only child. Not having a role model for relationships to turn to in my Mother. There are some other personal things I won’t talk about that only I talk about with my Mother and should she read this (which I know she eventually will), she’ll know which ones I’m talking about – that are the battles of what keep any Mother and Daughter from butting heads.

People doubt that I’ve yet to “move out of the nest,” because I’m so close to my Mother and because I’ll never leave home. I’d like to publicly say that’s FALSE. The only thing that ever kept me from moving out was myself – I wasn’t committed enough to finally making that step. I’ve been asked by ex-partners to “move in together,” but it NEVER felt right to me. With either of the persons and the situations. Should I meet someone who I 150% feel completely sure of and right about to move in with and take that step with, then so be it. But that has never happened – yet.

Since my Mom has been doing all sorts of babying me and treating me like a princess, I know that she only does it out of the kindness in her heart and because she spoils me rotten. She always has. She takes care of me and babies me when I don’t even look for it. But that’s what Mothers do. So, in this very short, informal way I want to write a letter to my Mom to tell her just how much those things don’t go unappreciated and accounted for nor will they keep me from moving out and when I’m ready, making that next step.

Dear Mom,

I’m moving out. Just kidding. Well, not really. I’ve been saying that forever and as much as it makes you feel like you’re swallowing rocks, I’m not ever planning on moving out of your life. There are times when I think about how far I’ve gotten and I think about who was there every step of the way, cheering for me, watching me, holding me as I cried and it was always you. You have been the biggest backbone in my life and I always want you to remain as such. We have an amazing relationship that even I can’t find the words to describe them – imagine that!

On a more serious note, I’ve talked about this for a while and though you may think I’m never going to leave your side, I’m not a puppy. I’m simply your daughter and I have to grow up some day. All I ask is that you be there to support me as you’ve done when I take on that next step in my life and that I have you there because I know that I will have so much more to learn as I take those next steps into my adulthood. When the time comes that I do leave the nest as they say, just remember that I may be leaving the nest that you built and that I learned so much from. In turn, I will always have you to call my home.


The Love Bug

14 Feb

So it’s Valentine’s Day and though I tried my very hardest to not blog about anything remotely Valentine Day-ish, unfortunately much like this overrated holiday I’ve decided to cave in. Yesterday I finally bought chocolates for my cousins and thought to myself, “Please let me get out of this aisle before I’m bombarded with all of these last-minute lovesick people.”

But today – the day of love (GAG) – has kind of left me in a swooping of conversations and passing through of overhearing of conversations about the power of love and the grand gestures it can bring. After my lunch break today when I was walking in the building, there was a man and a woman who were clearly debating Valentine’s Day and the meaning of what love means. Why anyone wants to debate that on ANY given day is beyond me. From what I overheard, the woman’s argument was ‘the way you love your mother is not the same way you love your child or your partner. It’s unconditional from the moment you are inside her womb.’ The man’s rebuttal was that it couldn’t be unconditional then if you can’t love every person in your life the same. She argued back with a personal example saying, ‘I can’t possibly love my child the way I love my husband. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my son and same goes for my husband, but above everything my child comes first.’

When I walked into the elevator, I thought of a similar debate I had with an ex partner of mine. It kind of relates to this topic as she had said to me some time ago that she felt that I never put her first and always put my Mother above everyone else in my life – particularly her. Anyone and everyone who knows me knows that my Mother is my rock and best friend, the woman I confide almost everything in. When she said this to me, it bothered me. Not because it was true, but because it wasn’t. Naturally I won’t admit when I’m wrong and it’s a terrible habit I’m not proud to say I have, but even I think she knew she was wrong in saying so. In fact, I’ve only blogged about this a million times but I’ve almost always put the person I’ve dated first before anything and everyone else – my family will be the first to atest to that. I don’t blame anyone I’ve ever dated for that either except for myself – but I’m learning to adjust my life and myself.

With that being said, I do believe there is an order of priorities when it comes to loving people – and YOURSELF should always be number one on that list. As the First Lady Michelle Obama said it best, ‘We as women often forget ourselves on the top of our lists when we’re busy loving and taking care of the people in our lives.’ But I do also believe that there is no such thing as putting anyone above another person. My Mother gets the same amount of love that the person I’m in a relationship with gets, albeit a different kind of love. But I’ve never nor will ever put both on different pedestals because I don’t believe in that. That’s a little ridiculous. If I ever were to draw up a list I would be on the very top, my family and kitties then close friends and some acquaintances next and finally everyone who I’ve yet to meet last! Nowhere do you see me writing 1.Me, 2. Mom, 3. Titi. Clearly I would be shallow and what kind of life is that anyway? Fortunately I’m able to love every day and keep the people I love close to my heart and home-  so to me I suppose that’s worth partaking in some Valentine’s Day spirit.

Talks With Mama

6 Jan

It’s funny how the one person you sometimes try to avoid and dodge questions from always winds up being the ONE person you turn to and talk to when you find yourself wanting or needing to talk to someone.

Tonight when I came home, I had one thing on my mind that has been on my mind for weeks and I hadn’t quite spoken about it much. When I got home I tried hiding in my room for a bit and that was my goal. Stay in my room. But then I was hungry so that didn’t work.

My face kind of gave everything away and usually when I’m down or upset – it’s not hard to tell. I’m a VERY happy person and I smile through alot of things that are going on in my life. But this time was different. My emotions got the best of me and my Mom took notice.

All she had to do was ask me what was wrong and all of my emotions came flying out of me like the wind. Almost all at once. What we talked about was one thing and this one thing she’s familiar with – but she understood where I was coming from and just didn’t want to see me upset and keep getting upset over the same thing that just isn’t becoming worth it anymore. To no surprise, my Mother lifted up my spirits just like I knew she would. I didn’t have to sulk all night about what was on my mind and after talking it over with Mom, I feel a little better about things than I did a few hours ago.

My Mama usually manages to balance me – like a scale. Perhaps that’s why she’s a Libra. She brings balance to my life and helps me weigh things a little better and take a bigger look at things when I talk about them with her. Sometimes I do alot of the talking, but as much as people know me as one who is a talker, there are times when it’s just hard for me to begin a conversation when it’s about something that’s bothering or upsetting me. It doesn’t come easy for me. It never has. I know what I want to say – but I usually wind up saying the polar opposite of things. Am I the ONLY one this happens to?

I avoid confrontation at all costs. Which is why I’ve never been in a girlfight/fist fight/ any kind of fight. I might have been bullied in the past, but believe me when I tell you that even my junior high school bully turned out to be my best friend until this very day. She’s living proof and she’ll tell you herself except she won’t admit she bullied me – haha!

Where am I going with this?

Ah! Yes. Back to my Mama.

Her talks always bring me back to center in a way that I’m always thankful for. I really don’t know where I would be without our talks. Sometimes I bicker and argue with her, but in all honesty she’s so supportive of me and I look to her guidance all of the time. I don’t need any crazy life-altering experience to make me realize what I have because I realize it all of the time whenever we have our talks and I remember just why I turn to her for support and guidance in the first place. She’s my Mama and Mama knows best.

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