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Adulthood..Check.

19 Oct

As it just so happens over the last couple of days as I’ve been cleaning out and trying to get together a few systems to keep my life organized from my inbox with loads of junkmail to my shoes and wardbrode and other miscelleanous projects underway, I have come back to my blog. Something I’ve long neglected for a while. When I looked at one of the pages here, 30 Before 30, I realized that some of the things on the list didn’t quite ring true to me anymore. They didn’t feel like something BIG to me, but rather something in the future I perhaps saw myself getting into the craft or hobby of. I made an update or two and realized one major thing on the list had been accomplished.

10. Move out of Mom’s + get my first place.

Technically speaking, I didn’t get my own place. But I’ve moved in with my girlfriend Lindsey and it has been a really positive and great experience. No doubt I have had a bunch of nerves about making the leap, but I am certain that I’ve made a good and right step towards something I have wanted and known I’ve needed for my own sake of being an adult for a long time.

The decision didn’t come abruptly. I’ve known for a few years now that I’ve been ready to make the move out of the nest that my Mom has so neatly provided for and abundtly cozzied me up to. But it wasn’t enough to keep me living with my parent forever. I’ve been in long relationships before also where the topic has been broached about “making the move,” or “when we’re ready.” But I think my former partners knew more than I did that our relationships just never reached that point. I knew it, too, and I was never comfortable enough to make such a big move like that. Sometimes taking those kinds of risks isn’t worth it if you don’t feel 100% invested in someone.

But now –

One month in and Lindsey and I have been more than adjusting. I mean, I had a few sleepless nights over the summer when I realized I was spending 90% of my time day in and day out at her place. There was an awkward point when I couldn’t separate myself from guest to roommate when I was timid, afraid almost to clean up around the place only because I knew I didn’t live there – yet. I was finding myself almost crossing odd boundaries – like I was breaching unspoken territories if I touched things that I didn’t know about. I mean, I was spending alot of time with her but we still were in this transitional period of getting to know one another. To Lindsey’s dismay, she always answered my frustrations with a, “You practically live here already.”

I was in between a rock and a hard place at one point – finding the right time when to tell my Mom I was making this big move. When I finally told Lindsey, “Babe, I think I’m going to tell my Mom I’m ready to move and start in September,” she jumped right on board and with a blink of an eye was right behind the wheel of that U-haul truck climbing stairs, carrying my tons of books, my clothes. And it all just fell right into place just like that.

So as I cross this off of my list – I can’t wait to see what others I accomplish. Because this was a BIG one. =)

Dear Mom,

20 Mar

I’ve written something similar to this on Father’s Day and though Mother’s Day isn’t for another month and some change.. it’s been quite an interesting fete that I have been experiencing with the woman who has given me birth over the course of the last year. I often blog about the woman and praise her too often. People often know her as my shadow that is always there even when she physically isn’t – it’s a double edged sword I tell you. Though this isn’t supposed to be a mushy post, somehow everytime I write about her this is just where it goes.

Lately and as I get older, I’ve “woken up and smelled the coffee,” if you will for lack of a better cliched term at just how much my Mother really is such a crucial person in my life, but also can sometimes be a burden because of the close relationship we have. I’ve taken some time out and some time away to realize that things take time and take change for not just me, but friends and family including my Mother herself to see me as more than the little Redhead girl with the bright eyes and pale skin and smiling cute face everyone knew me as. To many people in my life say, “I’m still so young.”

I’ve always lived with my Mother and we’ve  to an extent shared a life together (however that sounds, it’s purely platonic). So, in essence my Mother along with everyone in my life can’t see me apart from her because that’s how it has always been. My Mom and me. Her and I. Like two peas in a pod. You know that show, the Gilmore Girls? Yeah, that’s pretty much us. Some people get it and some people don’t. We’re terribly close and I’m eternally grateful for the relationship I have with her, but in another sense – there have been downfalls. Being an only child. Not having a role model for relationships to turn to in my Mother. There are some other personal things I won’t talk about that only I talk about with my Mother and should she read this (which I know she eventually will), she’ll know which ones I’m talking about – that are the battles of what keep any Mother and Daughter from butting heads.

People doubt that I’ve yet to “move out of the nest,” because I’m so close to my Mother and because I’ll never leave home. I’d like to publicly say that’s FALSE. The only thing that ever kept me from moving out was myself – I wasn’t committed enough to finally making that step. I’ve been asked by ex-partners to “move in together,” but it NEVER felt right to me. With either of the persons and the situations. Should I meet someone who I 150% feel completely sure of and right about to move in with and take that step with, then so be it. But that has never happened – yet.

Since my Mom has been doing all sorts of babying me and treating me like a princess, I know that she only does it out of the kindness in her heart and because she spoils me rotten. She always has. She takes care of me and babies me when I don’t even look for it. But that’s what Mothers do. So, in this very short, informal way I want to write a letter to my Mom to tell her just how much those things don’t go unappreciated and accounted for nor will they keep me from moving out and when I’m ready, making that next step.

Dear Mom,

I’m moving out. Just kidding. Well, not really. I’ve been saying that forever and as much as it makes you feel like you’re swallowing rocks, I’m not ever planning on moving out of your life. There are times when I think about how far I’ve gotten and I think about who was there every step of the way, cheering for me, watching me, holding me as I cried and it was always you. You have been the biggest backbone in my life and I always want you to remain as such. We have an amazing relationship that even I can’t find the words to describe them – imagine that!

On a more serious note, I’ve talked about this for a while and though you may think I’m never going to leave your side, I’m not a puppy. I’m simply your daughter and I have to grow up some day. All I ask is that you be there to support me as you’ve done when I take on that next step in my life and that I have you there because I know that I will have so much more to learn as I take those next steps into my adulthood. When the time comes that I do leave the nest as they say, just remember that I may be leaving the nest that you built and that I learned so much from. In turn, I will always have you to call my home.

-Maggie

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