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Mrs. Nice Guy Has Been Nice A Little Too Much

8 Feb

This post can go in so many ways, and I’m not quite sure where to begin.

I’ve been told in the past that I give in too easily to people and I’m “too nice.” Oft, that I trust people far easily. Perhaps people mistake my kindness and bubbly personality for weakness. Whatever it is it has gotten me in sticky situations and leaves me dangling with where I question people, their motives.

Currently, I do feel like my trust with some people is being questioned and honestly it upsets me. When I feel I cannot trust someone, it builds walls up for me and makes me not want to be so nice to those people you thought you could trust. Trust is an important thing to have in a person. It’s like safety. If you don’t feel safe somewhere, then common sense is you do not go where you feel unsafe. Right?

Often times when people do things or say things that make us feel uncomfortable it’s difficult to deal with when you have shown support to that person. So to turn against you, I use that term vaguely, is why people like myself do not open up to people and why when you see me with a straight face on it isn’t because I’m sad it’s because I have walls bigger than the Great Wall of China around me because of people like I described to thank for it.

And it doesn’t get better. Apparently the more toxic people as such described continue to enter my life day by day when I take steps at detoxifying them and the other things from my life.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole cutting everyone out of my life, friends included, starting with a brand new life ever worked for anyone. I don’t know if its ever been doable for anyone but what else are my options really?

Change is inevitable. Something’s gotta give.


Why The End & Beginning Always Suck

10 Jan

For the past few years, the end of the year going into New Year’s Eve has sucked royally for me and only for a few reasons. Either I’ve been single or recently single and trying to figure out how I’m going to ring in the new year reconstructing my thoughts has been a mission almost impossible every time. Or I’ve been in a relationship and have actually NOT been with my significant other to ring in the new year due to fighting. And though I didn’t ring in the new year this year alone, I feel more alone than I ever have in my life for a vast number of reasons.

Okay, I admit it. I’ve been OVERLY emotional lately and I’m working through those emotions. Alot of them don’t actually pertain to relationship issues this time around so much. They actually deal with other things that are going on in my life that have my emotions flying all over town. Right now I can’t seem to get the picture when I know it’s staring at me dead in the face and I know what needs to be done.

I recently read this article in a magazine I subscribe to, Poets & Writers about a writer who talked about why it was important to her that she writes. She talked about her inclination to write every day. It was her ritual. Her oxygen. Without it she was nothing. But when her daughter grew ill, something just evaporated in her and she lost all her desire to write. It just didn’t become important to her anymore. She felt like everything in her life took precedence and her writing took a back seat. In a sense, that’s how I feel. Every stress and frustration that I have going on in my life, though I can’t say I am faced with the same as this writer was faced with – I feel like I’m in the outfield waiting to catch something. And I’m still waiting. I just feel like I’ve been stuck and lost the desire to do the things that I’ve always been driven to do – and that’s not like me at all to say that. Which is why I’m saying I need a break from everything I know to get my mind where it needs to be.

It seems like the moment I think I learn a thing or two about myself, I realize I haven’t learned anything at all.

As sad as I’m about to admit this, I am a bit of a reality tv junkie and for the fans who watch the show “Love and Hip-Hop” and know the woman and former rapper, now-turned-singer Olivia is struggling with bringing her music career back – I can grapple with her the most. She knows what she needs to do but she just won’t take that leap of faith. I hate that I’m using a celeb-reality star to compare myself to, but there was something that was said when a producer was critiquing her. He said when he asked her where she is mentally her response was, “I’m usually happy. I’m dating. Etc.” But when she went into detail about how she came from not so happy times to get to the happiness she didn’t seem too happy, still. He didn’t buy it and neither did I. She won’t sell records that way and I won’t be able to write about the things I know I need to write about in order to get me where I need to be if I’m lying to myself and everyone around me.

In the end, that writer who wrote about her purpose for writing found inspiration in her sickly daughter ironically enough and began writing again. Her daughter turned to her and looked at her one day when they were in the hospital and she had been busy with her arts and crafts. She asked her mother, “Don’t you have something to write?” I think the woman looked over the question until her daughter told her she should never stop writing no matter what happens. I think her epiphany of all epiphanies was seeing how normal her sickly daughter’s every day was despite living in a hospital – she was doing arts and crafts and socializing with other kids. She just kept on going with her life. She thought, ‘What am I doing?’ or I guess it was more of a ‘What am I not doing?’

Nobody Likes a Debbie Downer

23 Nov

There’s one type of person or group of people in the world that makes my skin crawl and makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs – the type of person that just doesn’t know when to stop complaining, walks around miserable and like the last thing that you think actually made them happy was probably when their diaper was changed, which is saying alot. It takes me alot to “talk” about people and sashay their business around – because I never do. But, really, this one person has really become the Debbie Downer of the Year and I’m not sure how to take her antics anymore.

I posted a Facebook status about a conversation I had with a co-worker as the 9/11 anniversary was approaching. I won’t even repeat how the conversation went, but just know that she was turned off by my unbiased opinions of the Middle East and their unrelenting approach to want to attack American soil. Granted, I don’t believe in war or hate on hate crimes, but I can see how Extremists would see 9/11 as being moral and just. Granted in 99.99% of most of the world’s mind – it wasn’t. And I wholeheartedly agree, but it was this co-worker who felt turned off by my unbiased and open-minded views that threw up her hands in dismay and said she was upset. Upset with what? My response? Come on.

I learned one thing out of that. You can’t talk religion or politics with certain people. Period. Especially people who have a closed opinion and judge things based on how they see them without thinking about everyone and everything that is involved.

Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. Seriously, though. This same co-worker starts her day and walks in, feet heavy, huffing and puffing and begins her work complaining about every small thing you can think of from the heat in the room to tripping over the wires and whatever task she’s given to complete. There isn’t a day that goes by that she’s in the office that I don’t hear the phrase come from her, “I’m roasting, My Goshhhh,” and all I can think of is “Me too, but I’m not complaining about it.”

Here’s another scenario that happened just yesterday that kind of ticked me a little, but I just let it roll off my back. She e-mailed me asking me for my personal home address and another co-workers address. I ignored it. When she asked me the next day at work if I read the e-mail, I said “Oh, no I haven’t gotten to check my e-mails.” She said, “When you get a minute check your e-mail. I sent you something.” The following day, she asked me about the e-mail again when our boss wasn’t around. So, I said, “Yeah. Did I ever give you my address before?” She said No. I asked her what she needed it for. She said, “Just to have it. What’s the big deal? Do you not want me to have your address?” I let it go. I then told her if she wanted our other co-worker’s address, she was going to have to ask him herself. She responded with, “I’m not a stalker. I work here.”

That may be true. But because I have access to the information she was looking for, there was no need for her to go about it in a sneaky way. Plus, I’m not about to cross any boundaries or give out people’s personal information without even so much as their permission. You would think people would know this.

So, I don’t mean to be a complainer either – but working with Debbie Downer’s is just a poisonous environment. Sometimes it makes you feel like working with the type of person will make you just like that, too. At least if you give it long enough. I mean, I never take my work attitudes home with me. Ever. I leave work at work and home at home. It’s a must. But seeing just how much people have this Debbie Downer attitude is such a turn off, especially in a work environment – it brings down the moral of everyone else you’re around and it’s just a turn off, period. In fact, you probably spend more energy on being miserable and walking around with a chip on your shoulder all of the time than wearing the best thing you have in your closet – a smile!

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