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19 Oct

As it just so happens over the last couple of days as I’ve been cleaning out and trying to get together a few systems to keep my life organized from my inbox with loads of junkmail to my shoes and wardbrode and other miscelleanous projects underway, I have come back to my blog. Something I’ve long neglected for a while. When I looked at one of the pages here, 30 Before 30, I realized that some of the things on the list didn’t quite ring true to me anymore. They didn’t feel like something BIG to me, but rather something in the future I perhaps saw myself getting into the craft or hobby of. I made an update or two and realized one major thing on the list had been accomplished.

10. Move out of Mom’s + get my first place.

Technically speaking, I didn’t get my own place. But I’ve moved in with my girlfriend Lindsey and it has been a really positive and great experience. No doubt I have had a bunch of nerves about making the leap, but I am certain that I’ve made a good and right step towards something I have wanted and known I’ve needed for my own sake of being an adult for a long time.

The decision didn’t come abruptly. I’ve known for a few years now that I’ve been ready to make the move out of the nest that my Mom has so neatly provided for and abundtly cozzied me up to. But it wasn’t enough to keep me living with my parent forever. I’ve been in long relationships before also where the topic has been broached about “making the move,” or “when we’re ready.” But I think my former partners knew more than I did that our relationships just never reached that point. I knew it, too, and I was never comfortable enough to make such a big move like that. Sometimes taking those kinds of risks isn’t worth it if you don’t feel 100% invested in someone.

But now –

One month in and Lindsey and I have been more than adjusting. I mean, I had a few sleepless nights over the summer when I realized I was spending 90% of my time day in and day out at her place. There was an awkward point when I couldn’t separate myself from guest to roommate when I was timid, afraid almost to clean up around the place only because I knew I didn’t live there – yet. I was finding myself almost crossing odd boundaries – like I was breaching unspoken territories if I touched things that I didn’t know about. I mean, I was spending alot of time with her but we still were in this transitional period of getting to know one another. To Lindsey’s dismay, she always answered my frustrations with a, “You practically live here already.”

I was in between a rock and a hard place at one point – finding the right time when to tell my Mom I was making this big move. When I finally told Lindsey, “Babe, I think I’m going to tell my Mom I’m ready to move and start in September,” she jumped right on board and with a blink of an eye was right behind the wheel of that U-haul truck climbing stairs, carrying my tons of books, my clothes. And it all just fell right into place just like that.

So as I cross this off of my list – I can’t wait to see what others I accomplish. Because this was a BIG one. =)


Why I Chose Therapy

4 Aug

It’s been a little under a year since I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist and this is probably the first actual time I’ve ever dedicated an entire blog post or anything of the kind to telling the world about it. Yes, I have a therapist. And she is amazing.

Though I don’t go off telling the world my business nor do I see the need to tell people what goes on in my sessions day in and day out, I sought a professional therapist for one reason and not because of the daunting reason most people associate them with. My sole purpose for seeking a therapist was to discover the oddities about myself and the relationships I have with the people in my life, however close or not they may be to me. However cheesy it may sound, I sought out a therapist because I felt I needed guidance in my journeys through life and I couldn’t have been more wrong about going with my gut about it.

Since seeing a therapist, I’ve been so profoundly aware of the person I am, more sure and secure in the person I am and am able to visually make more sense of life lessons when I’m talking about things in an open dialogue with someone who has no judgements, no opinions and no reflections about who I am as a person. Normally, when I’m talking about anything that’s going on in my life with a family member or best friend or partner they will always have an opinion wether positive or negative. It’s hard for anyone to not put their own feelings aside and just listen without reflecting on themselves or me for that matter. I’ve noticed that this is hard for just about anyone. So I opted to seek a professional to talk with who has absolutely no reservations and just listens and helps me in sustaining life-long decisions that I might not have made with other peoples’ help or just on my own.

Hence why my therapist has been such a HUGE benefit to me and the bounds and leaps I have made in a ton of my personal successes and growths in my life in the last year or so. G* (her name is not being used for my own privacy, thank you!) has been one of the biggest inspiring people in my life and as I imagine her reading this now as I write this, I picture what she is thinking of from the very first day I walked into her for a consultation. I was vulnerable, scared and full of emotions all bottled up and not knowing where to display them or put them. She has guided me in ways I probably always knew how, but never knew the methods in which to use despite being so aware of my emotions and who I was. Now, almost a year later, I am still learning but I have grown so much with her guidance and reverence. I could not have done some of the things on my my own that I am doing  without the successes of going to therapy sessions.

It sounds crazy, but sometimes I  look forward to sessions with G* when I haven’t spoken to my best friends, because I feel like she is that kind of support system that I needed in my life when I was looking for it, when I needed it most to get through some rough things personally going on in my life. I’m not sure how much stigma still sits behind therapy, though I know I was a bit apprehensive about going for a while as much as I know I needed and wanted to. And even though I have been going for a while, I still like to think that G* found me. I stumbled upon her name on a psychotherapist’s website in a search engine and found her personal website and fell in love with all of the quotes she used and her methods of practice. It was everything I was hoping to accomplish in my own journey. I like to think our paths were meant to cross and I’m always greatful for having chosen therapy.

Fresh In Love.

18 Jul

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but behold.. I’M BACK! And, but of course.. In love. =D

To no surprise I have had some things going on in my life, but nothing I can’t handle that I haven’t before. It’s funny how the saying, “When one door closes, another one opens.” I didn’t really start to see the meaning of the saying until I met my girlfriend, Lindsey, a few months ago. I know I don’t like talking about my personal life or even my love life at that on my blogs, but everyone around me notices when I’m happy and they pick up on my happiness and genuinely are excited for me and this new woman in my life.

It’s funny when I tell people how I met Lindsey, but actually it’s probably the best story. I joined I know, I know. I had joined other dating sites before in the past, but this one you had to pay for so I thought this would filter some legit women and not crazy women (no offensive to past lovers, here). I had met two women from before Lindsey and let’s just say they were too extreme for my liking. I knew that I wasn’t a “match.”

After our first date, I knew that there was something about Lindsey that I wanted more of. She was everything I had never had and everything I wanted in a woman. She is intelligent, thought-provoking, caring. I can go on. We gravitated towards each other instantly and the rest has been history.

What I found in Lindsey is more than just a “girlfriend.” I found a life-partner. I confide in her in a lot of things and she shows me new things every day and teaches me more about myself and what I’m capable of than I thought I would be learning on my own.

Before we met, I always thought about the things I wanted in a relationship and things I didn’t want in a relationship. But when we met it seemed like we just gelled and to be able to have common goals and morals with a partner is so important and something we both value. For the both of us, it’s a big thing. I think that’s one of the reasons why we felt the way we did when we first met.

As much as I won’t make this sound like a page ripped out of a fairytale book, it’s our little piece of our fairytale however our path will turn I’m sure it will be an exciting one and never a dull one. Here’s to us, babycakes. 😉

Love’s Soldier

17 Mar

I’ve blogged quite a bit about my singledom over the past couple of months. I’ve been single for going on eight months now and though it’s been an interesting eight months, I’ve learned so much about myself since I’ve been single than I did while in my last relationship, I kid you not.

I would be remissed to say that the energy I have now is beyond words. I’ve had some in depth conversations about how I love when I’m in love – it’s no secret that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that when I fall in love, I fall in love with every fiber in my body. I’m a huge believer in fairytales and happy endings of all sorts – I believe that if you feel the magic and the connection between someone in a moment’s instant then you just know if that person is right for you.

Being single has led me to really think about what I don’t want in a relationship most of all, but more importantly about the things that I do want in a relationship. Of course, I could only imagine that when I meet someone who I feel that connection with – it will happen naturally as I should let it.

It’s funny, but I know people who after every break up they say they’re going to, “do them.” For some it works and they stay single for a long time. But I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe in love and relationships and perhaps it’s because I have an old soul and I never was interested in partying much. So every time I’m single, I wait for love to take me to the next course – I let it happen the way that it’s supposed to, the way that it wants to happen. I’m always hopeful that it will come and I don’t doubt ever that it still exists. I’m love’s soldier and the only battle you win is the one that two people fight for. 

Sometimes You Just Need a Vacation Away From It All

23 Feb

As much as I’d love to just hit pause on everyone in my life and give everyone a “BRB” for a good month or so just so that I could screw my head on right and figure out what the hell I’m trying to do – I feel like I just can’t. There comes a time when every couple of months or every once in a while I get a little overwhelmed with things or whatever it is I’m faced with and I’m not going to lie – it becomes a challenge for me. And it gets to the point where I feel like I can’t even talk to my closest friends and I want to close up in my turtle shell and hide out and hibernate for a good three months until it’s Spring again. WE ALL go through it. Right now I just want to lock myself up, not necessarily in my bedroom – just in general – and just be!

Of course, I know this will not in any way allow me to thrive the way that I need or want to. I will only shrivel to pieces and become more depressed, lonely and this sad puppy of a woman. Unattractive and lame to many – mostly to my own damn self.

Really though this is just a reason for me to forget about my problems instead of wallowing in them like I should be even if that means I should be drowning myself in tears, drinking more coffee than I should be and having random conversations on the telephone with people from the Internet just to pass time by. Of course this isn’t the type of life I envision either.

Sometimes you just need a break and some quality alone time without anyone bothering you or asking questions – anything.

A vacation from life. A break from every day headaches and nonsense. The things that make you go insane. A step back from the crazy just for a minute, for an hour, for a little while. To be free from the stresses and the things that keep you from happiness and fulfilling your journeys in life. Just for a moment, just for right now.

Emotionally Unavailable to the Available

31 Jan

Have you ever tried being emotionally unavailable to the people who were emotionally available to you? Okay let’s try that again. Have you tried not getting emotionally involved with someone who has said they want to be emotionally involved with you – but it just doesn’t work out for you? Well, welcome to my life. Almost every single relationship I’ve entered in that turned into something long term I treaded on thin ice, trying not to rush into things but as most women will do – we rush into love never giving ourselves enough time to enjoy life or our partners and each other but most of all enjoying our own lives and self worth.

The truth is, I’ve never really been by myself. Since turning 18, I’ve been in three long term relationships, and most of them were not healthy ones. I’ve always wanted to “work things out,” even when I knew there was nothing to work on. But I always fought to find a resolution to the problem, thinking there was one and I could find it. This isn’t healthy, that I know. In my very first relationship when I was just a baby at 18 years old, just three months into the relationship I knew that the relationship was not for me nor the person was the right person for me. But I stayed. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for a little longer than a year. In the end I was always putting myself last and never thinking about what I really wanted and what was best for me. I became emotionally unavailable after a while and not for good reasons. I forgot about my wants and needs and emotions. I wasn’t important anymore.

When you’re in a relationship, usually you don’t see your friends as much because you’re spending more time with your significant other or you’re not partying as much. Maybe you’ll spend a little less attention to your looks or maybe a little more for the first couple of months until that fades out. I can’t say that all of this applies to me, but I know other women out there catch my drift. You lose yourself in the midst and sometimes your distractions become overwhelming to control when relationships seem to take center of your life – especially unhealthy and unhappy ones.

I’m not going to lie and say the people I’ve been in relationships with were horrible and cruel people because they truthfully weren’t. They just weren’t right for me. That’s all. I keep in touch on a ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ basis with past lovers but under no circumstances do I need to see them or be best friends with them. To me, this is a boundary I’ve never nor will I ever cross.

For the past 5 years it seems, I’ve just felt that my rocky relationship history has defined most of my early adult life and this is not what I anticipated. It’s true that when you picture a plan for yourself you picture a plan and you want to stick to it. Though my plan hasn’t changed with my career, I still have faith that it will get to where it will go. But what I’m trying to say is that relationships have become the center of my life for the past few years, but not my entire existence. I’m a hopeless romantic yes, but I haven’t forgotten my own hopes and dreams for myself and where I want to go.

It’s not often it seems that I’m not in a relationship, but it seems that when I am in one – they all seem to take control over my life and I forget what’s really important…ME. Quite frankly, no one person is going to break up with me and say, “Hey baby, I just don’t think this is going to work out. I think you need to take care of yourself and do what you have to do to see your dreams come true.” When do you ever hear anyone saying that? Let’s be real, now.

So finally, the only commitment I’m making is to myself as I’ve said and to my own happiness. If I must be emotionally unavailable for a while, then I must but it’s really a long time coming that I put my best foot forward in putting myself and my needs and wants and every wishes first because there are things I want to see happen and if I want to bring them to fruition, no one other person or relationship will do that for me but myself .

The F Train is for Lovers

12 Jan

It just so happens that I ride in to work and the city on a different train than what I’m used to and boy, it’s like a whole different vibe. You would think riding the F train is like being in the midst of every love story and romance novel without even having to bury your head inside a book.

I’m used to seeing angry, tired and low-down New Yorkers on the R train and even coming home I’d see a few quirky kids saying a few smart aleck things to their parents and it would make me laugh. Now that I’m traveling on a different path every day with the same end destination, the scene has changed. By the time I reach 7th Avenue in Brooklyn (for anyone who knows Brooklyn, they know how rich this neighborhood is), every couple you can imagine has gotten onto the train and has boundlessly started their commute together to however they start their day. And then I people watch. I notice the eclectic mix of people , couples and families all together. Mostly I notice the millions of couples that ride the F together. Maybe it’s just me but it’s amazing to see just how many couples there are and how many relationships there are.

I admit that I overhear some of these conversations and some of them are mundane while others are common relationship stuff. Then I think in retrospect like, ‘Would I react the same way she just did?’ It’s interesting to see how couples react with one another given in such a public place. Sometimes we try to be so private about things and have private conversations when we’re in such public of spaces like the train, bus or park.

The F train seems like the magic carpet to me sometimes. I sound like I’m jealous. Maybe I am a little bit. It’s kind of nice to see happy people riding the train, though. Even if it’s nothing but people in relationships and people with growing families. Even if that means I don’t fall into either of those categories.

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