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Mrs. Nice Guy Has Been Nice A Little Too Much

8 Feb

This post can go in so many ways, and I’m not quite sure where to begin.

I’ve been told in the past that I give in too easily to people and I’m “too nice.” Oft, that I trust people far easily. Perhaps people mistake my kindness and bubbly personality for weakness. Whatever it is it has gotten me in sticky situations and leaves me dangling with where I question people, their motives.

Currently, I do feel like my trust with some people is being questioned and honestly it upsets me. When I feel I cannot trust someone, it builds walls up for me and makes me not want to be so nice to those people you thought you could trust. Trust is an important thing to have in a person. It’s like safety. If you don’t feel safe somewhere, then common sense is you do not go where you feel unsafe. Right?

Often times when people do things or say things that make us feel uncomfortable it’s difficult to deal with when you have shown support to that person. So to turn against you, I use that term vaguely, is why people like myself do not open up to people and why when you see me with a straight face on it isn’t because I’m sad it’s because I have walls bigger than the Great Wall of China around me because of people like I described to thank for it.

And it doesn’t get better. Apparently the more toxic people as such described continue to enter my life day by day when I take steps at detoxifying them and the other things from my life.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole cutting everyone out of my life, friends included, starting with a brand new life ever worked for anyone. I don’t know if its ever been doable for anyone but what else are my options really?

Change is inevitable. Something’s gotta give.


Fresh In Love.

18 Jul

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but behold.. I’M BACK! And, but of course.. In love. =D

To no surprise I have had some things going on in my life, but nothing I can’t handle that I haven’t before. It’s funny how the saying, “When one door closes, another one opens.” I didn’t really start to see the meaning of the saying until I met my girlfriend, Lindsey, a few months ago. I know I don’t like talking about my personal life or even my love life at that on my blogs, but everyone around me notices when I’m happy and they pick up on my happiness and genuinely are excited for me and this new woman in my life.

It’s funny when I tell people how I met Lindsey, but actually it’s probably the best story. I joined I know, I know. I had joined other dating sites before in the past, but this one you had to pay for so I thought this would filter some legit women and not crazy women (no offensive to past lovers, here). I had met two women from before Lindsey and let’s just say they were too extreme for my liking. I knew that I wasn’t a “match.”

After our first date, I knew that there was something about Lindsey that I wanted more of. She was everything I had never had and everything I wanted in a woman. She is intelligent, thought-provoking, caring. I can go on. We gravitated towards each other instantly and the rest has been history.

What I found in Lindsey is more than just a “girlfriend.” I found a life-partner. I confide in her in a lot of things and she shows me new things every day and teaches me more about myself and what I’m capable of than I thought I would be learning on my own.

Before we met, I always thought about the things I wanted in a relationship and things I didn’t want in a relationship. But when we met it seemed like we just gelled and to be able to have common goals and morals with a partner is so important and something we both value. For the both of us, it’s a big thing. I think that’s one of the reasons why we felt the way we did when we first met.

As much as I won’t make this sound like a page ripped out of a fairytale book, it’s our little piece of our fairytale however our path will turn I’m sure it will be an exciting one and never a dull one. Here’s to us, babycakes. ūüėČ

How I Met My Best Friend..

2 Apr

Though I don’t tell most people this story, it’s actually a pretty funny one and one that me and my best friend laugh about all of the time. Janeris, my best friend of 14 years now actually hated my guts at first. We met in Junior High school and because rumors flew that I had talked about her liking some boy and wanting to “hook up with him,” who actually was my little crush and my two week boyfriend at the time – she hated me for it. We were young, immature and didn’t know anything so she believed the rumors and she approached me in the schoolyard one afternoon about it with her posse from elementary school. I felt cornered. I definitely thought I was a goner. Low and behold the girl who spread the rumor about me and what I had allegedly said about Janeris saying was there the day that Janeris approached me, trying to play both sides.

After it simmered down, for some odd reason Janeris asked me if what was said was really true. Of course it wasn’t and I told her I never had any ill will to say anything about her. I guess she suspected the girl had spread the rumor and she sniffed her out. The girl felt pretty dumb after that.

Janeris and I have been inseparable ever since then. To think that she was my Bully back in Junior High school. I kid with her when I say that, but when I think about it that was probably the only misunderstanding we’ve ever had in all of the years of our friendship. We’ve never lost touch, EVER. She’s been my rock through everything. She’s been the one to carry me through tough times and we’ve shared some amazing memories. No matter where we go in life and where our paths¬†lead us¬†I know that we’ll always have eachother’s back.

When I look at the friendship my Mom and my Godmother have (who are best friends of more than 25 years) I know that it’s the same kind of friendship me and Janeris have. We met the same way – in school and we do the same kind of things together they did. I look at them and I think of the friendship her and I have and it’s the exact same. I admire the friendship they have and the bond they have and I look up to that so much in the friendship I have with my own best friend. It’s what I grasp onto and know that life would never be the same without her.

She just turned 25 this weekend and I know she had an amazing time. It was a night to remember and one that we will be talking about for a long time. Jaji, I love you more than you can possibly imagine. You are one of the strongest women I know and I admire that about you. Because of this, you make me stronger every day and through you I live every day in the moment.

She completes me!

A Word That’s Spoken

29 Mar

In recent weeks, I’ve been writing more prominently within my writing group that I keep up with once a month (which is blossoming by the way!) and when it’s my turn to workshop my pieces – I’m always staying within the work that stays pretty close to the bigger work I’m looking to complete which is non-fiction/memoir. Since college and probably even before then it’s where my passion always laid (lay? lie?) so my work has always been more personal. Most people have told me it’s a brave thing I’m doing, writing what I write about, but I think it’s just part of my existence and why I was put on this Earth.

But what alot of people don’t know is I have another deep rooted passion for spoken word. I discovered it in my freshman year of college when I had to do a final project for a women’s studies class – any creative expressive piece on any women’s studies issue. It was open to basically anything. So I chose to really do something I had never done but always wanted to do and I chose to perform a spoken word piece about my battle with being overweight and what it meant to society. I had a mentor who¬†was¬†a spoken word performer¬†and I went to an Open Mic before I performed my piece in front of my class. I have to say, there was something about performing spoken word that I couldn’t express through just writing. When you’re up there in front of people – your message becomes more crystal clear. People hear you, they feel you. It brought out a new terrain in my writing and opened up so many new emotions in my writing I never had before. Since then my writing grew so much. I can only imagine that getting back into spoken word now, what it would do for me.

I’ve been watching so many videos on YouTube of artists it’s kind of an addiction. LOL!

It reminds me of how much talent there is out there and how much inspiration I’m getting to get back into performing. I mean, I only got my feet wet – barely! I performed but once and it was such a thrill to do it. I’ve started some pieces and everytime I start a new one, I keep thinking of another one. I guess this just calls for some more¬†writing time!

Hello Change, I’m Ready For You!

26 Mar

So I’m not one to ever advertise a product or market something – unless I totally 100% believe in it. There’s a company whose products are based around all natural health and nutritional things. Herbalife¬†helped me about a year ago begin my weight loss journey. The people in my life who know me and know me well know about my story with my losing weight and my struggle with being overweight all of my life – being the chubby red head was always the story of my life. It was something I just accepted. But once you really become knowledgeable about your health and the consequences it can have later on in the future – you pay more attention.

That’s exactly what I did.

What really happened like probably tons of other overweight people is I had a doctor visit scare. Actually, it was a visit to the dermatologist. I had had this red rash behind my neck for going on a year or two years (ironically ever since I had put on 30-40 pounds). So I made a visit to the dermatologist for a consultation. The doctor came into the room and took a look at the rash behind my neck with a light, ran one finger over it and clicked off the light. She turned around and said some medical mumbo-jumbo terminology I didn’t quite understand. I asked her to rephrase what she meant about the rash’s origin and where it comes from. She said, “These types of rashes come from people who usually have diabetes.” All I heard was diabetes. I left the office in tears thinking my health was at risk and worse – that my future was never going to be the same.

After tests and follow-ups I’m thankful to say that I do not have diabetes and I’m a perfectly healthy young woman. But this scare however unprofessional it might have been with just one consultation – was the fire that I needed to light under me. I knew at that moment that my weight was only going to continue to be a concern for more health issues in the future if I didn’t do something about it. So I did something.

I began this amazing protein shake program – kind of like a Slim Fast, but all natural and healthy for you with Herbalife. My best friend’s mother and her family were big supporters since they had their own health clubs selling the products. At the start of me joining, I was well over 200 pounds (though no one believes me).¬†You could see it in my face how chubby I was. Yes, I still say chubby.

Before the weight loss..

After a few months of doing the program and exercising, I dropped the weight and everyone saw my results. I’ve been able to keep off the weight since then and I couldn’t be happier. Also, that rash behind my neck miraculously disappeared.

After the weight loss!

The picture above was just this January. But the hard work doesn’t stop there. I still am not at my goal weight so I’d like to lose between another thirty to forty¬†pounds, which I know is feasible with this program and the amazing support system this company has!


Dear Mom,

20 Mar

I’ve written something similar to this on Father’s Day and though Mother’s Day isn’t for another month and some change.. it’s been quite an interesting fete that I have been experiencing with the woman who has given me birth over the course of the last year. I often blog about the woman and praise her too often. People often know her as my shadow that is always there even when she physically isn’t – it’s a double edged sword I tell you.¬†Though this isn’t supposed to be a mushy post, somehow everytime I write about her this is just where it goes.

Lately and as I get older, I’ve “woken up and smelled the coffee,” if you will for lack of a better cliched term at just how much my Mother really is such a crucial person in my life, but also can sometimes be a burden because of the close relationship we have. I’ve taken some time out and some time away to realize that things take time and take change for not just me, but friends and family including my Mother herself to see me as more than the little Redhead girl with the bright eyes and pale skin and smiling cute face everyone knew me as. To many people in my life say, “I’m still so young.”

I’ve always lived with my Mother and we’ve¬† to an extent shared a life together (however that sounds, it’s purely platonic). So, in essence my Mother along with everyone in my life can’t see me apart from her because that’s how it has always been. My Mom and me. Her and I. Like two peas in a pod. You know that show, the Gilmore Girls? Yeah, that’s pretty much us. Some people get it and some people don’t. We’re terribly close and I’m eternally grateful for the relationship I have with her, but in another sense – there have been downfalls. Being an only child. Not having a role model for relationships to turn to in my Mother. There are some other personal things I won’t talk about that only I talk about with my Mother and should she read this (which I know she eventually will), she’ll know which ones I’m talking about – that are the battles of what keep any Mother and Daughter from butting heads.

People doubt that I’ve yet to “move out of the nest,” because I’m so close to my Mother and because I’ll never leave home. I’d like to publicly say that’s FALSE. The only thing that ever kept me from moving out was myself – I wasn’t committed enough to finally making that step. I’ve been asked by ex-partners to “move in together,” but it NEVER felt right to me. With either of the persons and the situations. Should I meet someone who I 150% feel completely sure of and right about to move in with and take that step with, then so be it. But that has never happened – yet.

Since my Mom has been doing all sorts of babying me and treating me like a princess, I know that she only does it out of the kindness in her heart and because she spoils me rotten. She always has. She takes care of me and babies me when I don’t even look for it. But that’s what Mothers do. So, in this very short, informal way I want to write a letter to my Mom to tell her just how much those things don’t go unappreciated and accounted for nor will they keep me from moving out and when I’m ready, making that next step.

Dear Mom,

I’m moving out. Just kidding. Well, not really. I’ve been saying that forever and as much as it makes you feel like you’re swallowing rocks, I’m not ever planning on moving out of your life. There are times when I think about how far I’ve gotten and I think about who was there every step of the way, cheering for me, watching me, holding me as I cried and it was always you. You have been the biggest backbone in my life and I always want you to remain as such. We have an amazing relationship that even I can’t find the words to describe them – imagine that!

On a more serious note, I’ve talked about this for a while and though you may think I’m never going to leave your side, I’m not a puppy. I’m simply your daughter and I have to grow up¬†some day. All I ask is that you be there to support me as you’ve done when I take on that next step in my life and that I have you there because I know that I will have so much more to learn as I take those next steps into my adulthood. When the time comes that I do leave the nest as they say, just remember that I may be leaving the nest that you built and that I learned so much from. In turn, I will always have you to call my home.


Love’s Soldier

17 Mar

I’ve blogged quite a bit about my singledom over the past couple of months. I’ve been single for going on eight months now and though it’s been an interesting eight months, I’ve learned so much about myself since I’ve been single than I did while in my last relationship, I kid you not.

I would be remissed to say that the energy I have now is beyond words. I’ve had some in depth conversations about how I love when I’m in love – it’s no secret that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that when I fall in love, I fall in love with every fiber in my body. I’m a huge believer in fairytales and happy endings of all sorts – I believe that if you feel the magic and the connection between someone in a moment’s instant then you just know if that person is right for you.

Being single has led me to really think about what I don’t want in a relationship most of all, but more importantly about the things that I do want in a relationship. Of course, I could only imagine that when I meet someone who I feel that connection with – it will happen naturally as I should let it.

It’s funny, but I know people who after every break up they say they’re going to, “do them.” For some it works and they stay single for a long time. But I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe in love and relationships and perhaps it’s because I have an old soul and I never was interested in partying much. So every time I’m single, I¬†wait for love to take me to the next course¬†– I let it happen the way that it’s supposed to, the way that it wants to happen. I’m always hopeful that it will come and I don’t doubt ever that it still exists. I’m love’s soldier and the¬†only battle you win is the one that two people¬†fight for.¬†

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