Mrs. Nice Guy Has Been Nice A Little Too Much

This post can go in so many ways, and I’m not quite sure where to begin.

I’ve been told in the past that I give in too easily to people and I’m “too nice.” Oft, that I trust people far easily. Perhaps people mistake my kindness and bubbly personality for weakness. Whatever it is it has gotten me in sticky situations and leaves me dangling with where I question people, their motives.

Currently, I do feel like my trust with some people is being questioned and honestly it upsets me. When I feel I cannot trust someone, it builds walls up for me and makes me not want to be so nice to those people you thought you could trust. Trust is an important thing to have in a person. It’s like safety. If you don’t feel safe somewhere, then common sense is you do not go where you feel unsafe. Right?

Often times when people do things or say things that make us feel uncomfortable it’s difficult to deal with when you have shown support to that person. So to turn against you, I use that term vaguely, is why people like myself do not open up to people and why when you see me with a straight face on it isn’t because I’m sad it’s because I have walls bigger than the Great Wall of China around me because of people like I described to thank for it.

And it doesn’t get better. Apparently the more toxic people as such described continue to enter my life day by day when I take steps at detoxifying them and the other things from my life.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole cutting everyone out of my life, friends included, starting with a brand new life ever worked for anyone. I don’t know if its ever been doable for anyone but what else are my options really?

Change is inevitable. Something’s gotta give.

Why I Ever Wanted to Become a Teacher

I’ve been pretty blessed to have some amazing teachers throughout my 17 years of education and even though I was one of those kids who played teacher and loved the smell of chalk on my hands, I didn’t always dream of standing in front of a room of kids every day with the same tool I always dreamt about playing with during my youth.

If I’m being totally honest, I knew I wanted to be a teacher only until I became a freshman in college and I took a course by a English professor. The truth was that I had never realized how much I loved writing until that very moment and until that very class. It was the first time I ever wrote and spoke publicly about being molested as a kid and later as a young teenager. Later that year, it was that class that I had found my writing voice and I owed it to everything I had learned about writing, learning and this teacher – Professor Matthew Burgess.

So what am I doing with a Journalism degree, you ask? I always loved writing, this is something everyone knows about me. And I never saw myself as a reporter, yet, I saw myself as a lover of all genres of writing – journalism included. I thought getting a degree in English was too safe – and for someone like myself. I wasn’t sure that that was who I was supposed to be, just yet. I learned so much more about writing, styles, form and I have such an appreciation that why wouldn’t I ever want to be teacher? Well, that’s just it. Since that freshman year of college – I always knew that teaching creative writing was something I wanted to do. My positive experiences played such a significant part in the role I’m pursuing today and how I even got to where I am now.

Today – I’m spending my nights and  parts of my days thinking about my interview for the New York City Teaching Fellows program that’s coming up in a few days. After I get through this amazing fete, I will keep trodding on to pursue graduate programs in teaching English education until I get into one program because I know that one program will be the right fit for me. I can feel it in my bones!!

Adulthood..Check.

As it just so happens over the last couple of days as I’ve been cleaning out and trying to get together a few systems to keep my life organized from my inbox with loads of junkmail to my shoes and wardbrode and other miscelleanous projects underway, I have come back to my blog. Something I’ve long neglected for a while. When I looked at one of the pages here, 30 Before 30, I realized that some of the things on the list didn’t quite ring true to me anymore. They didn’t feel like something BIG to me, but rather something in the future I perhaps saw myself getting into the craft or hobby of. I made an update or two and realized one major thing on the list had been accomplished.

10. Move out of Mom’s + get my first place.

Technically speaking, I didn’t get my own place. But I’ve moved in with my girlfriend Lindsey and it has been a really positive and great experience. No doubt I have had a bunch of nerves about making the leap, but I am certain that I’ve made a good and right step towards something I have wanted and known I’ve needed for my own sake of being an adult for a long time.

The decision didn’t come abruptly. I’ve known for a few years now that I’ve been ready to make the move out of the nest that my Mom has so neatly provided for and abundtly cozzied me up to. But it wasn’t enough to keep me living with my parent forever. I’ve been in long relationships before also where the topic has been broached about “making the move,” or “when we’re ready.” But I think my former partners knew more than I did that our relationships just never reached that point. I knew it, too, and I was never comfortable enough to make such a big move like that. Sometimes taking those kinds of risks isn’t worth it if you don’t feel 100% invested in someone.

But now –

One month in and Lindsey and I have been more than adjusting. I mean, I had a few sleepless nights over the summer when I realized I was spending 90% of my time day in and day out at her place. There was an awkward point when I couldn’t separate myself from guest to roommate when I was timid, afraid almost to clean up around the place only because I knew I didn’t live there – yet. I was finding myself almost crossing odd boundaries – like I was breaching unspoken territories if I touched things that I didn’t know about. I mean, I was spending alot of time with her but we still were in this transitional period of getting to know one another. To Lindsey’s dismay, she always answered my frustrations with a, “You practically live here already.”

I was in between a rock and a hard place at one point – finding the right time when to tell my Mom I was making this big move. When I finally told Lindsey, “Babe, I think I’m going to tell my Mom I’m ready to move and start in September,” she jumped right on board and with a blink of an eye was right behind the wheel of that U-haul truck climbing stairs, carrying my tons of books, my clothes. And it all just fell right into place just like that.

So as I cross this off of my list – I can’t wait to see what others I accomplish. Because this was a BIG one. =)

Positively Productive

If I keep up at this, I just might be on to a seven day type of challenge making all of my titles to my posts Dr. Seussian inspired.

This weekend I was planning to put in some overtime at work, but I slept in late on Saturday and said, “Screw it. I deserve this weekend to myself.” I just had so much on my mental To Do list and in actuality, I wound up doing more than I intended to this weekend.

I was able to rearrange my closet which made me feel like I was stepping into a whole new heaven. Sometimes I have a tendency to start cleaning at night which might set some people off, but when I’ve got the urge to reorganize or clean I just do it no matter what time of day or night it is.

With knocking a few other things off of my schedule this weekend, I had more time to do things I knew I wouldn’t have been able to get to had I done other things. I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to say “No” to some things and “It can wait until tomorrow.” That’s exactly what I did. In doing that, I was able to sleep well this weekend which I haven’t been able to over the past few months. Maybe it’s because of all of the other distractions in my life or maybe I just really need to focus on one or two things at a time. Often when I am doing too much I burn myself out. I can juggle a bunch of things at once because college life made me adapt to that, but things have changed since then. It’s time to take things one step at a time so that I can pay more closely at what the real goal is and get to it.

This week coming up is a busier than usual which kind of excites me a little because I’m doing a bunch of things that excite me and that make me happy. Here’s to a week of positively productive things & to possible unexpected happenings.

A Fortune & A Sign

I’m a firm believer in signs and messages from spiritual beings and God and even innate objects. I’m usually looking for them when they aren’t reaching out to me when I’m kind of in need of some answers or just looking for some uplifting. If I were to tell you how many times my Facebook status read something like, “Where are the signs when I need them,” you would probably think I was blind or always lost in direction trying to find a physical sign.

I’ve been a little bummed out lately with my writing and kind of been procrastinating if you will for lack of a better word. More so, because of other things I’ve been going through in recent months in my personal life my writing has suffered in a sense. Usually writers use that to their advantage and write through their troubles. I’m the total opposite. My writing suffers from everything that goes on in my life and takes a back seat to everything and every emotion that exits my body. It’s a horrible thing, I know – but I’m learning ways to adjust and get better at my writing even when I don’t feel inspired because of everyday life distractions.

Today while I was out at dinner at one of my favorite Asian restaurants in Bay Ridge, Chop Stix, at the end of the meal they always serve you a fortune cookie to each person along with the check. Here’s what mine said:

“Procrastination is the fear of success.”

I almost breathed a sigh of relief when I read this because it made sense. When I think about my success – I procrastinate with my writing and all of my goals with it and in turn I think I panic and get fearful of the writing process and everything about what’s to come after it. I know that there are no excuses if you want to see your dream come true, but I have my own demons and battles to overcome just as anyone else does. Sometimes it just makes the pot that much thicker for us to stir before we get to where we are going. Hence, my procrastination.

I took the fortune and hung it up where I can see it everyday, just as a reminder to myself and a little encouragement of what I’m setting out for my future. I guess sometimes you don’t need to look for a sign because it just comes to you when you aren’t paying attention. 

Trans Love

It’s no secret that I love women. Well maybe to a select few people I’ve yet to come out to – but by now if they’ve read my blogs – the cat’s out the bag! =)

And it’s no secret that I’m a huge supporter of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Gender Non-conforming Community as well. I attend as many events around the community’s most important issues that are pivotal to my life and my future. I’ve been pretty lucky to even work in LGBTGNC-friendly organizations that have done great grassroots work and to date – it’s been some of the best jobs I’ve ever had.

What I love the most though is that our community is always improving and always growing and changing. I’m always looking for ways to be involved in whatever ways possible because when I’m not – I kind of feel out of the loop with life.

I’m digressing. It seems like I’ve been reading about TONS of trans parenting (particularly on Huffington Post). I’m super excited about this and I’m not sure why exactly. Maybe it’s because I know so many parents who have phobias about gender and don’t raise their children in a gender-neutralized setting, constricting them to what’s right and what’s wrong. Many parents I know almost never give their children an option of choosing between Barbies or toy trucks, rather they go for the toy that relates to the kid’s gender (ie: boy gets the truck, girl gets the Barbie).

However, it seems like more and more stories are being told about young children coming out as gay or trans and their parents are telling their stories and writing about their journeys.

One woman effortlessly told the story here  about how her seven year old son came out to her as gay while she was on the phone. It sounds kind of like my Coming Out story to my mother. I came out to her over dinner one night when she questioned me about my online profile having been colored in rainbows. She had a clue, and she was right.

Another woman wrote about the journey of her trans nanny (female to male) and its effect on her and her two small growing girls. Though she wasn’t parenting trans children, the insight on this article is so poignant and gives a non-judgmental view of the trans community as a whole.

Even here, we really see the full view of trans parenting where one woman captures the essence of what it is to be a parent and raising a trans child. She blogs often about her journey and every day life and discoveries she and her trans (male to female) ten year old child are making in this new path. It’s breathtaking to read some of the things she writes and knowing that there are parents who are taking a non-judgmental approach at raising their children in such a gender-neutral and non-conforming way is so heartwarming.

I can imagine wanting to put little girls in cute pink clothes and dresses is difficult as it is and vice versa for little handsome boys. But as children grow up I really believe that gender becomes more and more important and how we express ourselves. As long as we can hold true to our own values and beliefs I think that kids will discover who they are on their own. It’s just our duty to support them no matter how they decide to identify wether it’s boy, girl, martian, Frankenstein, Cinderella or some character they pulled from the sky. I think all any kid ever wants and needs is support.

Emotionally Unavailable to the Available

Have you ever tried being emotionally unavailable to the people who were emotionally available to you? Okay let’s try that again. Have you tried not getting emotionally involved with someone who has said they want to be emotionally involved with you – but it just doesn’t work out for you? Well, welcome to my life. Almost every single relationship I’ve entered in that turned into something long term I treaded on thin ice, trying not to rush into things but as most women will do – we rush into love never giving ourselves enough time to enjoy life or our partners and each other but most of all enjoying our own lives and self worth.

The truth is, I’ve never really been by myself. Since turning 18, I’ve been in three long term relationships, and most of them were not healthy ones. I’ve always wanted to “work things out,” even when I knew there was nothing to work on. But I always fought to find a resolution to the problem, thinking there was one and I could find it. This isn’t healthy, that I know. In my very first relationship when I was just a baby at 18 years old, just three months into the relationship I knew that the relationship was not for me nor the person was the right person for me. But I stayed. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for a little longer than a year. In the end I was always putting myself last and never thinking about what I really wanted and what was best for me. I became emotionally unavailable after a while and not for good reasons. I forgot about my wants and needs and emotions. I wasn’t important anymore.

When you’re in a relationship, usually you don’t see your friends as much because you’re spending more time with your significant other or you’re not partying as much. Maybe you’ll spend a little less attention to your looks or maybe a little more for the first couple of months until that fades out. I can’t say that all of this applies to me, but I know other women out there catch my drift. You lose yourself in the midst and sometimes your distractions become overwhelming to control when relationships seem to take center of your life – especially unhealthy and unhappy ones.

I’m not going to lie and say the people I’ve been in relationships with were horrible and cruel people because they truthfully weren’t. They just weren’t right for me. That’s all. I keep in touch on a ‘Hi’ and ‘Bye’ basis with past lovers but under no circumstances do I need to see them or be best friends with them. To me, this is a boundary I’ve never nor will I ever cross.

For the past 5 years it seems, I’ve just felt that my rocky relationship history has defined most of my early adult life and this is not what I anticipated. It’s true that when you picture a plan for yourself you picture a plan and you want to stick to it. Though my plan hasn’t changed with my career, I still have faith that it will get to where it will go. But what I’m trying to say is that relationships have become the center of my life for the past few years, but not my entire existence. I’m a hopeless romantic yes, but I haven’t forgotten my own hopes and dreams for myself and where I want to go.

It’s not often it seems that I’m not in a relationship, but it seems that when I am in one – they all seem to take control over my life and I forget what’s really important…ME. Quite frankly, no one person is going to break up with me and say, “Hey baby, I just don’t think this is going to work out. I think you need to take care of yourself and do what you have to do to see your dreams come true.” When do you ever hear anyone saying that? Let’s be real, now.

So finally, the only commitment I’m making is to myself as I’ve said and to my own happiness. If I must be emotionally unavailable for a while, then I must but it’s really a long time coming that I put my best foot forward in putting myself and my needs and wants and every wishes first because there are things I want to see happen and if I want to bring them to fruition, no one other person or relationship will do that for me but myself .

When I Throw My Face On..

Every morning, like clockwork I will get up and make my bed and do a few stretches just so I’m not walking around feeling like an old lady all day and because though I’m 25 I actually have backaches like you wouldn’t believe and I can’t blame it on my amazing new bed either.

As I’m getting ready whenever someone might come in or if someone is waiting on me if I’m going somewhere with someone I’ll usually say something like, “Okay let me just put on my face.” Usually that’s referring to a little bit of make-up. But really, it means that I’m putting on my daily face and preparing for the day that’s to come whatever that’s been given to me even if I do get a little dirty.

I’m usually hard on myself for a reason and not because I’ve had too many people be hard on me my whole life except my mother. My mother has been in my ear and my head all of my life and was and still is my biggest support system. She’s been both mother and father to me, though this story I’ve told more than once and in many different ways. I have always set high standards and expectations for myself, but I’ve always been distracted by people and relationships and just never been able to put myself first and foremost. Granted that’s no excuse, but it’s been a huge transition of emotions and growing into this adult life. When they tell you growing up, “Enjoy being a kid,” I seriously had no idea what that meant until now.

I’m learning so much now because I’ve been taking the time to talk about things I never talked about before and I’m able to really dissect things about my past issues and relationships that make so much sense to me now that I don’t know how I never could’ve seen it back then. But it’s a growing process. You learn as you grow and I couldn’t be more susceptible to my mixed emotions than I am now when I’m finally figuring out who I am and where I am in my own skin. I’m finally taking the time to spend on myself and not to “work on a relationship” or “fix problems.” I think once I realized just how far I’ve come and how much further I have yet to go, I know that this isn’t the end of it for me and that this isn’t going to be all I have to offer to myself or to anyone when and if the time comes which isn’t anywhere in site on my radar right now.

The only committment I’m making is to myself and it’s to be fair to myself and to what I deserve which is happiness. I don’t deserve anything less than what I shell out and I know that in order to get where I want to go in life the only person that can take me there is myself. So every day I just have to continue to put my face on and know that the Man Upstairs has a plan for me and that plan is a great one! I always leave it in faith and prayer that he will get me where I need to be and that right now I am where I need to be.

Everything is Somehow a Little Clearer Now..

You know that song by Johnny Nash, “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone/ I can see all obstacles in my way” ?

Perhaps this is the most fitting lines of the song for me today as I’ve been realizing some key things to my life that have been lingering in my mind, heart and soul.

I’m not going to lie. I’ve been unhappy about alot for the past couple of months and if anyone who knows me at all, even a smidge knows that I have been wether or not I’ve expressed it to them or not. I’m not an open book, that I’m not. However, when I do express my feelings, I do it with all of my emotions and I lay them out on the table – kind of to see where I’m at and where my emotions are at in my life. I can only put this in the best way I know how…

I’m at a point in my life where I’ve never put myself first and after MUCH thought, I realized that I almost treaded that fine line again. Though I caught myself at the right moment, I realized that I’m not going to continue the cycle of putting people and their happiness before my own. I know I’ve said this thousands of times before, but now I just have to back it up with the actions.

I really can’t keep having all these wake up calls. I know I’ve probably said I believe in signs and the signs are everywhere and are speaking to me so loudly now that it’s becoming impossible for me to ignore them now. I’m going to continue to embrace them and keep up this energy and renewed path and pray that this journey takes me to infinite possibilities. I know it will if I stay in faith. 

In closing, the sign that was staring at me today was this:

You know that your beliefs are right and that other beliefs are wrong but how do you convince other people of that fact? You don’t. It’s not your job to change them, it’s your job to be true to yourself.

30 Before 30

So today is the big two, five. Though today doesn’t feel any different than yesterday, I’m actually more anxious to get today over with. Why? Well mostly because as I get older birthdays seem to be more and more disappointing for me. I grew up always looking forward to them as a kid even if all I got was a cake. Though most people have a preconceived notion of only children being spoiled, I was raised by an only parent who was Mother and Father to me so she had to make up for both when my Father wasn’t there to be a Dad to the little girl that I was. Birthdays for me have become so mundane after I turned 21 I’d say. Once you’re 18 and you become legal – you think “Yes! I’ve waited all this time to finally be able to do all of these things on my own.” Then you find out it’s not so different than what you anticipated.

So as much as I don’t want to sound depressing on the day my mother breathed life into me, it’s just another day. Perhaps it’s just today or this year and the year past that has me feeling this way about my birthday this year. Maybe I should be a little more excited about it. What I do know is that I have a lot to look forward to and I really do want to continue looking forward.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been working on this list, 30 Before 30, that I was inspired by when I read it by a blogger I follow about a year ago. I knew I wanted to write a list of my own when it came close to my 25th birthday. My life is going through tons of changes right now and if I told you the kind of emotions I felt, you would need a notepad to write them all down because there are too many to describe.

I created a page on this blog especially for this list, which I wrote about here. Or you can just click on the tab above that says 30 Before 30.

The saying usually goes, “It’s never too late,” but I just never want it to be late to do something I absolutely love. I’ve spent too much time on other people these past few years and not enough paying close attention to my goals and what I want to accomplish. There are some hefty goals there and there are some that will make me laugh and probably cry, but none that I can’t see through. I think it’s time I take care of me this time.